Friday, 28 August 2015

MCV has lead a sheltered life

Despite the weather being shittier than the arse-end of a diarrhetic goat, that's been on a kidney bean diet, it definitely is summer. And in the world of video games, that means the annual summer games drought- because publishers think it's a good idea to release all their big titles around christmas, so there's a distinct lack of big releases around this time of year. Which is why you read the utter bullshit, masquerading as news, that somehow catches on. Because, what the fuck else there to write about between E3 and the christmas rush? Masturbating toys, that's what!

"I thought "super squirters" was some kind of water gun"

If you're a strict vegan,  then you'll be unaware of the Super Mario-themed Happy Meal toys from McDonalds. As reported in The Mirror, the Mario (in a boomerang brother outfit) toy caused a bit of a stir with a concerned parent, who likened Mario's boomerang throwing action to violent masturbation.

Sexually inappropriate toys is a regular old chestnut. It makes for a good slow news day. Before Mario's hand shandy suit there was the spunky Spider-man; a vibrating Nimbus 2000; Disney's Tarzan, with an angry orgasm. It's been a tabloid staple for years because, lets be honest, who doesn't like wanking puns? Eurogamer obviously do. Digital Spy jumped on the toss-wagon too. Although The Escapist, sadly, didn't publish a "neutral" article about how it's really Princess Peach's fault and it's ok to harass her... Because that would of really helped finish that joke off.  But most surprising was MCV- an industry site- who went to town on this non-story. Despite the fact that the parental outrage, may very well have been a prank all along , big Benny Parfitt seems to filled to the brim with hand-shandy references and, damn it, he was gonna share them.

As mentioned before, Parfitt has a habit of jumping the gun when it comes to his news aggrigation, so old Benny didn't check on all his facts and- as far as I know- missed out on a potential secondary story about these Happy Meal toys. I may not be able to write well, but I have enough toys to have started my own blog about them (which is nothing like this, so you can let your kids read it), so I went to the trouble of getting the aforementioned Mario toy. For once, my partner's love of beefy donks came in handy.

Wait, it says "rentboy Mario" on the box. What the hell?!

So here's a little toy of Mario, dressed up as a boomerang brother, and he's holding a boomerang. As stated in the original story, his action feature  has his arm swing up and down, mimicking throwing a action when push down the button- and not when you yank of a trigger, as Parfitt (desperate to get another wank gag in) said- and you get this...

Kids, don't whip your skippy this fast, or it'll snap off
Well that's a lot of fun, isn't it? And exactly like male masturbation. Because right before he copped it, I remember Satoru Iwata saying Mario's penis actually came out the side of his right hip and bent forward at a 90 degree angle- which would actually be an improvement on this toy, which has messy paint apps and can't even throw the boomerang. Come on Ben! Your lack of proper research I can take, but come on, it's 2015. Let's call a thwomp a thwomp. Mario is giving a hand job. Mostly in the "overhand" position...

Censored to save you the nightmares

See, now we're in "inappropriate for children" territory. That's how you do it Benny; it ain't wanking, it's wanking off! Maybe the button on his back is a simulation of prostate massage? If you want, you can even turn it up a notch and add oral.

Ok, I'll stop. I don't want to be accused to ripping off the Jimquistion (as opposed to Digitiser). And now I'm just as bad as Parfitt, except I made the joke more accurate; Mario is tossing people off, and he's so happy about it he's pumping his left hand up in triumph- just like when he jumps up to smash a brick. So, I guess, every time Mario punches a brick, he gets the same feeling as when he gives some fella a good old tug? You could say there might be more of a story/discussion point to be made from the Princess Peach toy; which, literally, does nothing. Unless permanently standing in from of an arch is your idea of fun.

If she's screwed into the castle, Bowser can't kidnap her!

Talk about your lack of agency, huh? Did all the advertorial and cut-and-paste news posts push Parfitt over the edge? Has the tedium and poor pay of being a jobbing games writer cause a build up of wanking jokes? Was the story too much, and he was compelled to unleash a storm of wank-writing? Fucked if I know, he's the professional, not me.  So don't let anyone tell you that games journalism has become infested with "social justice" topics. MCV is a trade site, it's dedicated to reporting on the games industry. So when it comes down to the potential story of "Is this Peach toy endemic of sexist toy design and Peach's character, in the whole?" or "Look at this Mario have a quick 50 off the wrist!", we know which is more important.Thanks, Benny!

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