Saturday, 16 May 2015

Will someone take Square Enix out dancing?

Video game merchandise is great, isn't it? You can embellish your love for your favourite game- from your portal wallet, to your Street Fighter action figure (or twelve), you're spoilt for choice now more than ever. There's some amazing, high-end collectibles based on games right now; like this statue of Master Chief to a model kit of a Street Fighter 4 arcade machine, or a action figure of a virtually naked woman, with squishy boob action...Wait, what?

As shown in a  MCV post,  Metal Gear Solid (not-any-more) director, Hideo Kojima, tweeted news that Square Enix's "Play Arts Kai" (PAK) action figure (not a statue, Benny) of MGS5 character, Quiet, will have breasts made of a soft plastic, for extra molesting action. So, you can be embarrassed by liking the Metal Gear series and collecting toys, at the same time. What value!

I guess this is what Kojima was talking about when he explained Quiet's design (or lack of) was for the purpose of  sexy cosplay and figurines. Maybe with consultation with Square Enix's toy division, as a special, crossover of embarrassing shit in geek culture, that no one with half a brain would think is a good idea? Looking at Quiet's design, and how her figure is realised, it's like a double whammy of creepy, misogyny. A toy of a nearly naked woman, who does talk, that has squeezable knockers, as a bonus feature. No wonder Japanese triple-A is on it's arse.

 I've said before, I think Kojima is a rotten writer and director (let me guess, MGS5 will turn out to be planned all along by some shadow government/military group? And it'll take 45 minutes to say so), who really has a thing for women in, out of place, skimpy outfits. Every male character, that isn't a cyborg ninja or shooting electricity out of their hands, is decked out in enough gear to overthrow a small government, but Quiet can't even get a fucking t-shirt?  The only upshot of Quiet is that her existence shut up the fucksters, who insisted Kojima was the new David Simon, because his massive failure at touching on the subject of sexual assault, as a weapon of war was "for added realism". Because a game series with vampires, that run up walls, and psychic gimps screams militaristic authenticity. And nothing screams "realistic depiction of the Soviet-Afghan war" than a woman, wearing nothing but a bikini and tights, in a muslim country that has blazing hot summers and harsh winters, working as a sniper. You know, a task that involves NOT BEING SEEN!

On the other hand, you have Square Enix. Even if you look past the spongy tit-action, the overall body sculpt of that figure looks like a 15 year old boy sculpted it.  That's standard for PAK figures, if you've ever owned one, you'll know they all use a standard body, that's the same on all male and female figures. With the men having thunder thighs and ridiculous shoulders and the women all having, er...

"Mr Kojima, he's doing it again!"
So it's not just Quiet that got lumbered with thighs like a powerlifter and circus tits. The Ibuki PAK seems to have metal nipples, while someone just turned on a powerful electro magnet. At the risk of sounding like a stereotypical, sports-jock, arsehole;  have the PAK team even seen a real life woman? If you're shy, there's books at the library with pictures of women in them. Some of them even have no clothes on! Wank fodder aesthetic aside, it also begs the question, who's the figure for? As you can see, I actually own some PAK figures- three of them being MGS characters, in fact- because I actually like some of the MGS games, and wanted a figure of the fella that does all the sneaking and stuff. When looking for a figure, I look for accuracy to the in-game design, price, quality control, articulation, and NOT the chance to feel like I'm titting up a tiny woman. To be fair, this isn't the first toy to have squishy boobs- because, Japan- but was there a sudden outcry from the lonely, otaku, sex pest crowd? Is the wanker dollar that valuable? Does having cold, plushy breasts, like a miniaturised, dead woman, make action figures better?

If so, then it totally goes against Kojima's hints that Quiet has a tragic backstory, that explains why she wears no clothes and doesn't speak. But probably no less tragic than the inevitable gamecocks who will use a toy with jiggly puffs, as an excuse to draw a line in the sand against the SJW types, by defending that lump of expensive, plastic wank. Don't worry, that soft rubber, that Quiet's chest biscuits are made of, will degrade over time. Much like the idea of gaming (and geek culture on the whole) being a gated playground for emotionally stunted tosspots, and half-arsed eye candy, masquerading at "grown up story telling".

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