Sunday, 15 March 2015

BBC discover people like video games

What a shocker! The BBC, the channel that, despite being a public service broadcaster, has such a rotten track record in regards to video games- the most notable being a CGI woman on a floating trike (thankfully, I can't find anything to link to the awful- even for the 90s-show "total reality"),  two sentient chicken nuggets and Charlie Brooker's Gameswipe. But now, as part of an initiative to get more people in the UK into coding, the BBC has commissioned a one-off 90 minute drama based around the making of Grand Theft Auto.

"This beta testing is a piece ah pish!"

Now the word you have to pay attention to is "drama". That means the story told is based upon the making of GTA. Not like a documentary, where the actual people would be interviewed, facts have to be checked. But when something is "based on" (as you'll often read on movie posters) an event/life story the it will contain "artistic license" or, as the layman calls it, "making shit up to make things more interesting". That's not to say it'll be awful- after all, the BBC commissioned Micro Men, and that was pretty good-although not a patch on Pirates of Silicon Valley. However, as a rule of thumb, you can fuck it right off if you see any of the following...

A flashback of a child being told by a parent or authority figures that "You'll never get anywhere playing computer games".

If anyone gets called a "rockstar".

If other UK developers/publishers get no mention. 

A cameo from Rob Florence and/or Dominick Diamond.

"Culture shock" scenes where Angus McHacker is aghast at how much a bag of chips costs in London.

Any kind of sequence where Big Country, The Proclaimers, Runrig, Del Amitri or Wet Wet Wet is played.

A Mary Whitehouse analogue. More so if she, or someone from a anti-gaming  campaign, ends up having a personal relationship with one of the GTA devs.

Any footage of the game intercut with kids playing cops and robbers, or crashing some toy cars.

One of the dev team has their car stolen- either as a ironic twist or fateful inspiration.

If anyone says something along the lines of  "What? It's made in Scotland?"

A Max Clifford analogue

"Max Clifford" you say? Yes, that Max Clifford, the tabloid enabling sex offender- who was a instrumental part GTA's promotion, by contriving the controversy which helped it enter the public consciousness. So, will this drama- assuming it will focus on the media furore- include the initial work of a convicted rapist? Or will the writer have to come up with a fictional publicist, who runs a sideline in keeping celebrities in the closet and covering up sexual transgressions? We won't know until it's broadcast on BBC2. Perhaps on a Sunday evening? I hear that timeslot may soon be free.

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