Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Anonymous guest spot: Dating for gamers

 There's nothing wrong with admitting you lack a certain skill or specific knowledge. It just means I have to throw this blog on the mercy of my superiors in games media to speak, completely uncensored, on subjects outside of my purview. In return, I grant them anonymity so they are saved from pissing off editors and that wanker at Sega. The writer's name and publication have been changed to protect me from legal action and keep the writer's job

Nicky Quish has been writing for men's lifestyle blog, "Man Handle" for seven weeks and a longtime Kotaku commenter, reaching a career highpoint of being blocked by Leigh Alxander on twitter.

Dating for gamers

Hey there bros, nice guys and  gamecocks. I was on that internet, looking for new fedoras to impress my honestly real girlfriend/cam girl and I noticed post on Kotaku about a young lion who tried to pick up a buff  muff in a clothing store and got shot down on Facebook. Amateur tactics bro! You let that girl totally sink your man ship.

Lemme explain. A "man ship" is like a ship that's made out of mans and it's how you display all your manhood to the world. Like a tiger, that pretending to be human, so he can have a man ship.And what women do is they shoot torpedoes at your man ship, to sink it and you drown in the friendzone sea. That's what happened to my boy on facebook there. But I am a  player supreme who knows how to get out of the friendzone, past the danger zone, slightly stumbling into  the harassment zone, then totally into the sexy zone. It's like I'm gonna add an extra sail to your man ship and I'm gonna give it an extra hard blow. Then you'll never have to cry yourself to sleep because your only friend is Sonic the Lego hog.

First problem with the bro in the article, we can't see him, but he mentions wearing a fedora and a trench coat. Now, the fedora is ok, it's more than ok, it's shiz-tits! Keep that lid on your bin, bro. It's like the flag at the top of the mast on your man ship.  But you need to get rid of that whack trench coat, what you need  extra pockets and space for, carrying your space marines? Hiding the birthday card, you wrote to yourself because your mum hasn't got you one for years? You only need pockets for keeping your shades, your phone and your business cards. Three pockets max! You know what has three pockets? A motherlicking blazer yo! A blazer is like  extra armour for your man ship. Do you put armour on ships? Wearing it protects you from the torpedoes of  rejection. Or the missile array of judgement, like your mother might give you for ordering one of those Japanese masturbation pillows. You can still wear your denim jeans and punisher t-shirt, but with a blazer you're  real cock of the wood that commands respect. And respect is like a black hole that sucks all criticism into itself, except you can dry clean it. Get yourself a crisp blazer and people might think you're a real games industry person.

This guy looks like he's good at Need For Speed

Now you got the look, now you need the swagger. A swagger is like an invisible extension to your penis. you know it's there but no one else can see it, so walk like you're packing serious heat, even though ignorant women-like a unloving mother- might think your junk is like a monkey's pinkie finger. Imagine you were right all the time, even when you knew you were wrong. Everybody wanted to be your friend, even those who try to get away from you. And every woman is a potential fuck/girlfriend/surrogate mother, even after the second restraining order. That's what swagger is, yo. You need to act that way all the time, no matter what. Just keep telling yourself, you're never wrong and your dick could be used to knock houses down.

I bet some of you gamecocks are about to say, "But Nicky, I don't have enough self belief to have any swagger." Don't worry, there's a way around it. It's called " 'sulting ", it's like a cheat in a video game, when you're too lazy to put in any effort and the idea of improving scares you. What you do is to make your confidence go up to swagger levels is you insult women, usually about how they look or something they said. For an example, if you meet a girl you like and she has really nice hair, tell her, "WHAT A GREAT WEAVE OF FIGS YA DUFF BINT!" That puts her off trying to sink your man ship and shows you to be a real alpha male who should be listened to. So try that next time your mum says it's past your bed time or you don't deserve a dirtbike for your birthday. Up your swagger by crushing theirs.

This guy can't play Street Fighter X Tekken for all the boning he's doing

Now you gotta push it further and "game" her. You all play games every day, you make the Pac Mario man jump around with simple button presses. Well gaming a girl is just as simple. Now, read what my boy Chris said in the Kotaku article, he had the right idea, but he did it in a half-arsed way and was acting like some kind of gay woman, who likes men, with all that sad face emoticon shit. He was almost gaming, but he had no swagger. When that woman didn't reply, he should of changed tactics (like when you can't catch the Pokemonsters of Duty you want) from being nice to 'sulting her. If he said something like, "Yo, why were you so slow to reply? You take that long giving me the wrong change too, because your eyes don't work? Because your hair is shit." That knocks her confidence and makes you look like a real man. Like what you have to say to her is most important. And keep doing it until she believes it. Don't  worry about hurting her "feelings" or any of that beta male, white knight kerfuffle. Like the g-spot, the concept of female personality is a myth. Technically, they're talking sex dolls with sandwich making features who wants a alpha male to fuck her wig off. Look at the woman's replies in those facebook posts. She says "you ever want to buy collectables my store again"  she's saying she wants the guy to come back. That's subtlety bro. She just hadn't had her self confidence broken enough to want his dick yet. He needed to grind her down until she didn't know what was what, so she would depend on him to tell her so. Or she gets a restraining order, like some people's  mother might one sad Christmas morning.

Yo, don't believe me? I ain't just pulling stuff out of a dark basement, just like the kind my heartless mother would lock me in for "hugging myself wrong".  All the swagger and 'sulting is scientifically proven to work, psychologists call it, "emotional grooming", the alpha males in the pick up artist community thought, if it's good enough for paedophiles, then it's good enough for us. Now it's good enough for you!

Now follow all that shiz and you gamecocks will have the most awesome man ships, that any woman will want to have a  sail on. And to hell with any shrivelled up old excuse of a mother, who hasn't said they love you since 1997 and can't even look you in the eye when they found those magazines under your bed...WHY DID DADDY RUN AWAY?

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