Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Nintendo loves them ladies

Things have been a rough for Nintendo as of late. The Wii U's sales have been, frankly, shithouse. And many have been predicting Nintendo's demise from the console business because of it. One of Nintendo's biggest problems, admitted by Nintendo president Satoru Iwata, is the failure in reaching their target audience, which comprise of casual gamers who bought the Wii and people who might very well buy a new games console just to play Bayonetta 2. Nintendo just hasn't been able to fully communicate the appeals of the Wii U to gamers who are apathetic at best. But the marketing geniuses at the big N have devised a brilliant new plan to bring in a hot, previously untapped demographic, women!

Nintendo are going for the mythical "girl gamers" that we read so much about, with the introduction of the not remotely patronising, "Nintendo Girls Club", a Youtube channel  Nintendo UK. Which seems to be presented by a D-list actress, locked inside a soft pink isolation room.

I have sometimes wondered, is Nintendo's sometimes (or always in the case of the UK branch) questionable marketing as result of incompetence or indifference? Was the idea of, "Hey, women like shitty soap operas and make up and er, shopping. Lets do that" because Ninty UK have even less of a clue what gamers are interested in, or they just don't give a shit, so just cobble together some fake unboxing videos with a way too enthusiastic presenter and more of those adverts where whoever wasn't booked for "Celebrity Ice Wanking" pretends to play a 3DS game.

"We're trying to reach out to you bitches, so buy a 2DS, FUCK YOU!"

Bloody hell, Nintendo. You didn't even bother with a pink 2DS, you know women only like pink things. That's a well known fact. Or better yet, make a limited edition Wii U with realistic hair you can actually brush, so it's just like you're a hair dresser! Women have hair, that'll tip the scales back in Ninty's favour, no doubt. Scratch that, release a hollowed out 3DS that girls can keep all their makeup and special lady things ( for that stuff they do once a month, like in the Carrie documentary) to give the appearance of being into games, but not really. Because what women do. I mean, there's no proof for that, but I saw a Youtube commenter say that once, so that's good enough for me.

This is Nintendo's problem all over. If they want to desperately try to pander to a audience, but end up insulting them with a antiquated view to segregate them further than the games industry and gamecocks in general, then really swing for the fences. You gotta commit, the future of your console depends on it! If you went after gamers with the same vigour you went after youtubers, you'd be repeating the Wii launch success by now. God damn it, you're Nintendo, you should make Iwata wear a Fedora in those fucking  grim Nintendo Direct videos and fill the Girls Club channel with sandwich recipes. This is gaming, if you want to alienate and insult a group, you have to try much harder. Or at least tell them how they can stop the constant tide of dick drawings on Miiverse.

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