Due to my increasing lack of spare time and talent, once again I have to rely on an actual, proper games journalist to keep the lights on, as it were. They get the chance to write about whatever subject they want, under the safety of having their identity hidden, for fear of having to return their GMA award.
Rodney Knacker is a jobbing games writer and meat-fed lummox. Originally the porn boy at OXyMoron Magazine until working his way up to cocktail snatcher, he know edits the newly relaunched Playstation Plus, "TITS, TITS, TITS!"
Support our arcade, just don't come to it
What's crackin' you mongs? Jokes, jokes, good jokes. But forget that because the hype thing to happen in gaming since Capcom nerfed the hitbox around Sentinel's dick in Marvey 3, the people at the punchy game tournament organiser, "Next Castle" have opened their own arcade. That's right bruv, that news is saltier than a salty biscuit that just spunked into the Red Sea, while eating a bag of ready salted pringles. Pringles, baby! When the old Tecmo Finger Bash arcade wanted to throw out all it's arcade cabinets, to make space for a Irish theme hotel, bare mans were vexed about the arcade scene in London dying, but thanks to Next Castle stepping in and getting all their members to fundraise the price of hiring a van, we were able to save all the good cabinets for our very own arcade, "Big Sticks"
It's the sickest thing ever bruv, for Next Castle to have been the boss of organising punchy-kick game tournaments in the London town to now running it's own arcade, getting hype for keeping the scene alive. They got all the classics, six Street Fighter 3 machines, four Street Fighter 4 machines, one Super Street Fighter 2, a knackered Ladybug and a DDR to bait some gals to turn up, so we can all chat about giving them a chocolate finger but be too scared to actually talk to them. All housed in our prime London location, a industrial estate on the outskirts of Tooting, sick pringles bruv! Big Sticks is gonna be the sickest, saltiest kind of hype when it opens. Its even getting attention from the games press! Not from my magazine obviously -I'm too busy writing my latest, "You only hate Killer is Dead because you're skank at it" article to do that. But Big Sticks got covered in the Daily Reveal, the London Yell and the local paper, the Tooting Wafer as well as several websites and now this blog. That is both salty and peppery bruv! Hype! Salt!
Now days, the arcade scene is pretty much dead, so it's really hype to see people excited at Next Castle for not allowing the arcade to die. And being cool to set up a pay at the door, unlimited play set up for going to Big Sticks, so mans don't have to bring bare coins in their shell suit bottoms. And I see on my Bebo page mans are well hype for coming to Big Sticks, but here's the thing. It's sick that you want to spread hype about New Castle giving the arcade scene it's rebirth and it's sick if you're hype, salty and sick about playing, but you can't. Seriously though, don't come. No salt on your pringles!
That's not me trying to use pure jokes, I mean it. Don't come to Big Sticks to play the games, you don't belong and you'll only be waisting your, but mostly our,time. Everyone at Next Castle is proper dedicated to punchy-kick games, and that why it was the top organiser of tournaments in the outer South East London area -well, up until last Christmas when it stopped hosting regular tournaments when players stopped turning up. But anyway, the hype is back with the Big Sticks arcade now the saltiest players are all gonna come back and bring their wank-tier skills and greasy elbow techniques back to the punchy-kick game community. So we don't need any newbies, with their scrub, Sagat chicken cottage combos, taking up the valuable game time for the real players. Real players that study frame data, that don't spam shoto-biscuits and would never play a punchy-kick game with some blatant, regular game pad, like some pussy 'ole. You got no place playing against us top players or daring to take up their valuable practise time by coming down to Big Sticks, paying actual, real money for a one or two hour free-play session just to play your weak, scrub tactics when mans has got to work on his negative edge sexual harassment in between bouts of stalking Asian girls and trying to nobble Evo rankings. You ain't part of the real punchy-kick community, bruv. And you never will be, so don't ever come to play in our arcade.
Don't get me wrong, if you want to support the scene, then save up your coins for when Next Castle will probably set up a Kickstarter to pay the rent on Big Sticks can't be paid. So long as you stay away from our games, ok? Because we get hype, you get fucked.