Saturday, 11 May 2013

Anonymous guest spot: There is no sexism in gaming

Because this is a low grade gaming blog, the great and good of the games industry wouldn't be seen dead having anything to do with me -which will make Bruce Everiss' eventual funeral a bit fucking awkward. But some generous souls in games biz have agreed to contribute to odd guest column, under the condition that it is done under total anonymity, for fear of loosing their valuable PR contacts. So all names have been changed to protect the writer's career.

"Percy Jameson" is the lead coder and CEO of mobile gaming company, Mighty Revolution Apps. When he's not regurgitating his own ignorance, Percy likes nothing better than chipping in on subjects he's nothing about nor directly concern him, acting like a prize tit to honest enquiries and building and racing his own one-man hovercraft

There is no sexism in gaming  By Percy Jameson

Right, as of late, you may have read all the malarkey about sexism in video games. Whether it's  some bird off of youtube,  the pointless #1reasonwhy moan-fest or some some trolling video about  how every bloke in video games is a sexist. And for most people, I bet it's dead hard to get a realistic opinion on the state of working in gaming while all the racket, this shit-storm has created. Well, as the CEO of a game developer (that you've never heard of) and I've been working in video games for nigh on 62 year, man and boy, and I'm gonna go on record right now and tell all you mugs, the video game industry isn't sexist and never has been.

I started out in gaming as a mere lackey, or "intern", as we call them now- delivering game code to magazines (for demo tapes and reviews) and worked my way to become CEO of my own developer, Mighty Revolution Apps. That's every possible department in the games business I've worked in, since 1951, and not once have I ever seen any sexism...ever. Not even as much as a raised voice or a pinched bum. Well, except for that one time at ECTS when I accidentally (accordin' to the police report) prodded a booth babe in the fanny, but that don't count! Sure, maybe some nonce on Xbox LIVE  might call some tart a slag or something, but that's the gamer community and their problem, not the industry's to sort out. I don't asking the people who play our games advice on my latest restraining order, do I?

For instance, that video I mentioned before,  is a kickstarter for a documentary called, "GTFO" that wants to look into the supposed misogyny in gaming. What a load of old pony! It's obviously  trolling a non-issue in gaming. In the scheme of things, the odd bird  handing out lanyards at E3, getting chatted up by some window licker ain't exactly the Taliban shooting a girl for going to school, is it? This Shannon Sun-Higginson bint, who will direct GTFO, has she ever made a documentary about how sexist the Taliban are? Nah, 'couse she fuckin' hasn't. I mean, neither have I, nor have I  ever done anything for women's rights anywhere, but I don't have to because I'm defending the games industry -be it potential customers and employers- so you can't touch me for it mate.  The documentary is blatant trolling of the lowest sort. Sun-Higginson is no better than Fox News, just jumping on a hot topic and using it to increase her profile at the expense of the games industry. I hope Activision fuckin' sue her for it. Because that's what you should get for daring to criticise the games industry, especially if you don't work in it. Just like my whore of a mum, who never soddin' breast fed me either!

If  you were bored enough to watch the entire moan-fest about  women in gaming at this years GDC, you would have heard the bloke who made Doom's missus and Clementine out of the Walking Dead game  rabbit on about how women are the minority in the industry and sexism is to blame. Bollocks, have you ever been to a gaming convention? There's fuckin' loads of skirt, handing out flyers, shaking their tits for game journalists and having their photo taken with undercover masturbators. Oh, you mean women working on the actual making of games? Shut your mouth then, because there fuckin' ain't any. No word of a lie, I would love to fill the office with dolly birds, but the applicants (or, "apply cunts" as I like to call 'em) I get are 98% male. We once had a woman come in for a interview at MRA, I thought she was delivering sandwiches LOL! Her CV was alright, but she couldn't hack working  typical game dev working hours of 80+ hours a week on a zero hour contract, for minimum wage and got all uppity when a graphics coder demanded she sit on his knee. Get a fuckin' sense of humour love! Now that's not sexism love, it was a joke. Besides, she was wearing perfume and had a nice hair cut,  she was fuckin' asking for it geezer! And that sort of carry on is soddin' typical of all these women who feel obliged to complain about non-existent sexism. Until all this #1reasonwhy pony happened, I was gender neutral, but now all these bints have come out of the woodwork, complaining about stuff that isn't important -because I'd much rather have someone tell me how nice my tits look than get blown up or eaten by a shark- so I fuckin' sick of them now. Frankly, I'm glad Eurogamer banned booth babes from their expo. All you women can do one!

Because of all this cobblers, I'm really glad I almost never get to see  my sons, Paul and John, anymore (I would fight for more visitation rights, but I'm too fat to fit inside the Spider-Man costume) because I it sickens me that a vocal minority of  feminazis, yeah, I fuckin' said it, and their gay boyfriends, who think  just because they've worked their way into noted positions in gaming, they're some how entitled to harp on about  how it's "offensive" it would be for MRA to host our latest game launch party in a lap dancing club, where the dancers are doused in custard, sprayed from a hose, held between my legs. It would crush me to see the look of disappointment on my little boy's faces that the game industry has become overrun with  politically correct donuts, who have taken a almost non-existent issues and overblown it, that the games industry is no longer like it used to be. A sad, fanny-bashed, shadow of its former self, where it's somehow wrong to display flyers for your new game in the cleavage of a paid model-who doesn't speak a word of English. Next thing you know, I'll be forced to go to work with my trousers on! It's a fuckin' disgrace, and mark my words, it'll be the beginning of the end of this industry. Once those witches take over, that's the fuckin' games crash and that'll be all of us, out on our fuckin' ear.

TL:DR - Us blokes was here first and women have no right to speak out over sexism, so we don't have to confront it because I hate my mum and secretly wish I could confess my love to Colin, in accounts. So jog on, you mug!

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