Saturday, 9 March 2013

Anonymous guest spot: Why gamers need to STFU

Brace yourself, because this is a big one. Previous guest writer spots have been from those within gaming media. But the allure of being able to write totally uncensored for a do-nothing blog (under the guise of total anonymity) on the subject of their choice. And even though I'm obligated not to reveal their identity, I can tell you it's someone really high up in the world of game development. I'm talking triple-A of the big boys! So I won't waste any more space with my nonsense and as agreed to the mystery writer, I will forget what I saw backstage at last years E3..

Why gamers need to shut the FUCK up

By Cliff E. Breeze

What's up gamers? I'll tell ya what's up, the volume of your voices. See, the thing is we now live in a new golden age of communications technology, where we can share ideas and thoughts with pretty much anyone on the planet. As someone who used to spend entire evenings waiting on 33K internet connections to slowly boot up Ultima message boards and read every gaming magazine cover to cover as it was the only way to access information about upcoming video games and who actually made those games, I'm hugely impressed and thankful I live in a world where I can come up with a awesome new IP and send it to, say, the wonder CEO of EA, Peter Moore, and he can give me instant feedback on how to make it more awesome. But this new age of ultra-fast communication is a double-edged assault rifle.
Before the boom of high speed broadband and affordable computers, the only way gamers got their information and communicated with each other was either through the letters page in a game magazine or -in some cases- those who had set up a message board for their favourite game. So gamers either digested info from the magazine or exchanged it with each other. But now we live in a  world where anyone can voice his opinion, even when no one wants to hear it. And that's the problem.

Case in point, the online, verbal garbage that is still going on about the slightly delayed Sim City launch. Can you believe it? People are still clinging on to their butthurt because they couldn't play a game they paid money for right away.  Really, bro? And then every d-bag with a keyboard got on their high horse about how EA are so awful for making a new Sim City game that so many people wanted it crashed  the Origin servers. So EA bring back a much loved classic, decide to distribute it on a easy to use, available to all digital medium. And because the rush to play it causes the servers to grind to a halt, it's EA's fault? Dude, that's retarded. And then those entitled babys then use it to bash EA further over Sim City's DRM and the clearly false rumour that every EA game from now on will have microtransactions in them. And then the games press -the very people who should be promoting the games industry- started some ol' bullshit about adding microtransactions and co-op modes to Dead Space 3 got the series shit canned. It got so bad, that the very fair and wicked cool CEO of EA, Peter Moore had to address the totally fake non-story personally! 

That the very busy CEO of EA had to take time out of his ultra busy schedule, greenlighting awesome EA games, to deny a obviously made up story is bad enough. But for every fanboy loser to pee their pants over a slight wait to play a new game, having a game needing to be always connected to the internet and the option to buy awesome new stuff in their game, over and over, all the fucking time! And that's why all gamers need to shut the fuck up.

Do you actually know how much it costs to make a AAA game? All the overheads, development time, Beta testing, promotion, distribution? It all costs money, BIG money! Hell, on [censored] our art department coded 206 different shades of gray alone! Do you know how much that costs? A lot, that's how much!
But do these gamers care? Shit no. I guess gamers gotta hate on something, right? Even though they know nothing about the games industry, they think they have the god given right to mouth off about it. 
Bro, I produce AAA games, know the delicious Peter Moore and have a very young girlfriend. You are some loser fanboy, playing video games in your mom's basement and couldn't bang a PR girl if your life depended on it. So shut the fuck up.

We in the games industry actually make the games and own the intellectual properties that you pay to play. You don't own the games, we do and we'll decide what price to sell them for, and for whatever fashion we want to sell them, ok? And it's not as if the price of DLC or microtransactions in video games cost a lot anyway. I just bought my very young girlfriend a new Lamborghini -her feet can't reach the pedals yet, but it's the thought that counts- and that cost WAY more than a multiplayer map or a cool, neon pink weapon skin. 
And it's all part of the gaming experience. In real life, if you were a space marine or stuck on a winter planet, being stalked by John Carpenter's The Thing, and you wanted to upgrade your weapon or paint it with a leopard print design, you would to PAY for it. A magical gun fairy doesn't come and do it all for you while you sleep. Wake up and smell the Red Bull, you nerds. We're just giving you added realism! So shut the fuck up!

I and the and the healthy, big-dicked  bros at EA - or any developer/publisher for that matter- should not be expected to jump at the slightest bit of aggro from you Axe wearing virgins, who think they have the right to say anything to me, just because they bought a game I made. I'll tell you right now, if you ever get your panties in a bunch over a ending of any game I produce, follow my previous advice and shut the fuck up. Shuck the fuck up for infinity because me and the entire games industry don't owe you jack shit. Just smile, buy the games and shut the fuck up. 

...And be sure to tune in to my new web series, where me and my very young girlfriend travel around finding desperate gamers (who have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves) and giving them dating tips, life advice and general hair care. It's gonna be called, "Cliff 'll Fix It" so keep a look out for that, Peace!

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