Monday, 25 February 2013

Anonymous guest spot: First look at PS4 console

Due to my overall lack of professionalism and talent, I've had to throw myself on the mercy of legitimate games journalists for actual news content and properly written editorial. Which a real big hitter has agreed to do, under the usual condition that I don't reveal his/her real identity, with a Suicide Gaming exclusive! So as agreed, I will return the hard drive and plead total ignorance in court.


By Simon Totty

Hey Suicide Gaming readers, taking a bit of a day off from my usual day job of writing editorial and getting  a real heavy sweat on at the gym. But after being blackmailed impressed by this blog into reporting this huge exclusive, I thought I'd  help the little guy out. So maybe all you entitled whiners can give it a rest for once.

But anyway, onto the real gold. Thanks to a deep cover inside connection within Sony, we have a world first here. I didn't just read about it someplace else and copy the story (because linking to the source isn't plagiarism) so those numb nuts at Reddit and Neogaf can suck it.  My inbox almost melted from how red hot this piece of news from my Sony source. He told me he had actually seen the Playstation 4 console. Not a dev-kit, not a early prototype, the actual console. And he managed to take a sneaky pic on his smart phone. So here's the first look at what will be in the stores later this year.

So lets go through all the highlighted features that my Sony source pointed out...

Clearly, from the "test" logo, this specific console is either for game developers to playtest their games on, or for game journalists, meaning it will likely not have any movie playback. But the one you buy at retail will.

It has a  total of three USB ports and one SD card port, universal connectivity is clearly the theme of the PS4. Sony has taken into account that people own multiple devices now, so being able to link your PS4 with them.

The console fail light, so I'm told, is a red LED on the front that rapidly blinks should anything go wrong like the Playstation network being hacked, hardware malfunctions or another pointless conferences.

The PS Move sensor is built in, right on top of the console for total 1:1 motion detection, perfect for that 3D sculpting game which everyone is gonna use to create 3D dicks. It is blue.

A grand number of two controller ports. Instead of wireless controllers, the PS4 will used wired controllers, because multiplayer gaming is the future.

A classical piece of design, the discs load at the front of the console. The PS4 games will come on discs, including the cloud games.

The new Playstation eye is built into the console and will always be on. The resolution will be at 20 mega pixels and has cutting edge facial recognition technology, which is so intelligent, it will instantly search for female profiles the second you take your cock out.

And lastly, the larger red light represents the the power on function of the PS4's internal power. An all new Hardware Articulated Lemon 9000 as a CPU, able to run top rate graphics and AI akin to a Deal or No Deal contestant.

Looks amazing doesn't it? Where else could you find this red hot of a scoop?  Or have I just hoodwinked you into giving me your valuable web traffic -oh how it makes me wet- with a misleading headline designed purely to draw you in to look at a image, drawn by an intern? And now it's too late to complain because you clicked on this piece and adsense doesn't care if I fooled you into reading this crap.
If you'd like, you can feel better by entering a special competition to  win more adsense money for me. I'm sure some would see problems with writing this way, but are you wrong? Yes, you are. It's a non-story, you total idiot.
But please check in tomorrow when I write a Bioshock Infinite preview. it will be right under the headline article about working conditions at Nintendo, which is really about a new sandwich shop opening in Kyoto.

1 comment:

  1. Just about the quality one could expect from this low-rent blog. What a waste. -Jerry