Monday, 25 February 2013

Anonymous guest spot: First look at PS4 console

Due to my overall lack of professionalism and talent, I've had to throw myself on the mercy of legitimate games journalists for actual news content and properly written editorial. Which a real big hitter has agreed to do, under the usual condition that I don't reveal his/her real identity, with a Suicide Gaming exclusive! So as agreed, I will return the hard drive and plead total ignorance in court.


By Simon Totty

Hey Suicide Gaming readers, taking a bit of a day off from my usual day job of writing editorial and getting  a real heavy sweat on at the gym. But after being blackmailed impressed by this blog into reporting this huge exclusive, I thought I'd  help the little guy out. So maybe all you entitled whiners can give it a rest for once.

But anyway, onto the real gold. Thanks to a deep cover inside connection within Sony, we have a world first here. I didn't just read about it someplace else and copy the story (because linking to the source isn't plagiarism) so those numb nuts at Reddit and Neogaf can suck it.  My inbox almost melted from how red hot this piece of news from my Sony source. He told me he had actually seen the Playstation 4 console. Not a dev-kit, not a early prototype, the actual console. And he managed to take a sneaky pic on his smart phone. So here's the first look at what will be in the stores later this year.

So lets go through all the highlighted features that my Sony source pointed out...

Clearly, from the "test" logo, this specific console is either for game developers to playtest their games on, or for game journalists, meaning it will likely not have any movie playback. But the one you buy at retail will.

It has a  total of three USB ports and one SD card port, universal connectivity is clearly the theme of the PS4. Sony has taken into account that people own multiple devices now, so being able to link your PS4 with them.

The console fail light, so I'm told, is a red LED on the front that rapidly blinks should anything go wrong like the Playstation network being hacked, hardware malfunctions or another pointless conferences.

The PS Move sensor is built in, right on top of the console for total 1:1 motion detection, perfect for that 3D sculpting game which everyone is gonna use to create 3D dicks. It is blue.

A grand number of two controller ports. Instead of wireless controllers, the PS4 will used wired controllers, because multiplayer gaming is the future.

A classical piece of design, the discs load at the front of the console. The PS4 games will come on discs, including the cloud games.

The new Playstation eye is built into the console and will always be on. The resolution will be at 20 mega pixels and has cutting edge facial recognition technology, which is so intelligent, it will instantly search for female profiles the second you take your cock out.

And lastly, the larger red light represents the the power on function of the PS4's internal power. An all new Hardware Articulated Lemon 9000 as a CPU, able to run top rate graphics and AI akin to a Deal or No Deal contestant.

Looks amazing doesn't it? Where else could you find this red hot of a scoop?  Or have I just hoodwinked you into giving me your valuable web traffic -oh how it makes me wet- with a misleading headline designed purely to draw you in to look at a image, drawn by an intern? And now it's too late to complain because you clicked on this piece and adsense doesn't care if I fooled you into reading this crap.
If you'd like, you can feel better by entering a special competition to  win more adsense money for me. I'm sure some would see problems with writing this way, but are you wrong? Yes, you are. It's a non-story, you total idiot.
But please check in tomorrow when I write a Bioshock Infinite preview. it will be right under the headline article about working conditions at Nintendo, which is really about a new sandwich shop opening in Kyoto.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Why blogging isn't game journalism

If you've ever taken more than a passing interest in video games related media, games journalism specifically, to the point where you've considered working in the field of self congratulatory bullshit peddling. Then you most likely have heard something along the lines of this tweet, that I chanced upon.

Fair enough, that's a creative choice someone has made with their own content. But sooner or later someone in the games journalism fraternity  will tell you the simple fact that writing for a video game blog or fansite isn't real games journalism, you're just playing at being a games journalist. If you're expecting me to go on a instant tirade about how wrong that blanket statement is. Well I'm not going to, because those professional game journalists are 100% correct, blogging isn't real games journalism.

A blog can be set up by anyone with a internet connection and moderate computer skills. There's no training process involved, there's no hierarchy of  editor or publisher, there's no screening of your work. The only person that needs to be happy with what you've written is yourself. And bar some fancy search engine optimisation, you're writing for free. Blogs are cheapening the profession- and you only have to see the amount of sites looking for volunteer writers and up and coming writers more than willing to work for nothing, unaware that they're devaluing the very industry they so wish to work in- to prove that.
The blogs given a outlet to anyone who thinks their opinion matters and doesn't give a moment to stop and actually research a topic and who wouldn't know objectivity if it hit them over the head. You only have to do a cursory google search on a gaming related subject to find a blog post or youtube video where someone lets rip  on a subject, with no regard for reason or fact. Believe me when I tell you, being a gaming blogger is the absolute bottom of the barrel in the world of video games. Far below common consumers, who are smart enough to keep their opinions to forums. Game testers, who actually contribute to the process of making video games.  Even gaming TV presenters, because despite not having much care for the subject, at least they're professional enough that a company pays them for their work. It's why no blogger will ever make the jump to the big leagues, because they're simply not professional enough to hack it as a full time career. And I speak entirely of myself with that summery. Unfortunately it means I'm going to be writing in my usual, personal way to explain why what I do is the very last thing you should be doing if you want to write about and/or review games.

Before I wrote this blog I had spent the best part of six  years trying to get a break in gaming media in its various forms, in the vein hope of even the slightest bit of freelance work and  amongst the rare replies I would be told I wasn't needed because-after the obvious spelling and grammar problems- my writing style was too personal, I write like I talk, and that's the opposite of what a legit gaming website or magazine wants -as I've touched on before. I really tried to act professionally and play the industry game of networking but I couldn't knuckle down and do it. I had neither the talent or the training to take press releases that tend to be no more than a few sentences of relevant information and adapt it into a t least a paragraph of informative, yet formal text. Multiple times a day, five to six days a week. On top of going to press  events, interviewing people from the industry and members of the public. I was simply no good at it. I tried, for a while, to shamelessly buddy up to PR people- making sure I got their contact details and laughing at their jokes on facebook. Tirelessly trying to  find a PR person, at events, who could at the very least put me on his press list. Constantly emailing editors to no avail, while biting to bullet and working for free for the sake of giving me something to put on my portfolio. After six years of non-starts I resigned myself that I didn't have what it took to be anything in games journalism. Despite what it says on my discoloured business cards, I am nothing remotely close to a games journalist. And I'll tell you why, because I've never...

Lied my way into a job.
Pretended to be friends with someone up until the point they were no longer useful to me.
Presented rumour or our right lies as cast iron fact.
Been "less strict" on a review at the behest of my editor or in a attempt to crawl up the arse of a publisher.
Written a full review based off of playing a game for less than half an hour before taking it in to trade at CEX
Openly looked down on gamers for disagreeing with or criticising me.
Shown off whatever plastic shit a publisher has sent to me, thus giving the promo item the free publicity it was designed to garner.
Dismissed consumer issues and obvious conflicts of interest as a "non story."
Compromised my standards

I just couldn't do it. I struggled with myself to try and do the opposite and act like a real games journalist, but my personality doesn't allow it. Sorry legitimate games journalism, I'm just not cut out to be a soulless fucking automaton. For some reason, my personality compels me to do, at least, minor research into whatever game I'm going to cover, before covering a game event and try to get get as much information out of the PR people (which sometimes is like trying to draw blood out of a lemon)  for the write up while the "professional", coked up hack bastard, saunters in- not even knowing what actual game he's supposed to be covering- and is greeted like a long lost dog, before helping himself to whatever free food and drink is on offer before going to the toilets to shove enough powder up his nose to keep the economy of Bolivia going for six months.

But I needed the buzz to enjoy playing Prototype

And that's just the tip of the shitberg. The day I started trying to ingratiate myself to PR people or community managers (who are the monkeys to the PR's organ grinder), laughing at their shitty jokes, liking their links to awful viral videos on facebook I lost a piece of my soul. And one day I'll get it back. One day, just not anytime soon as hanging around with the kind of self important, backward thinking, booze guzzling, feculent hypocrites exasperated my drinking problem, as I had to be half cut just to be around the kind of wanker that will delight on noticing  the slightest error you've written, yet when the malformed prick become the editor of their own rotten little wrestling magazine, it's riddled with spelling, grammatical and factual errors.
"Don't listen to him, he's just jealous." Yeah, that's right. I burn with envy at a bunch of  privileged, borderline drug addicts and pathological wankers, who barely make a living wage so they need to survive off all the freebies they so desperately scrabble for. A profession that chastises it's audience for asking if having such a close relationship to game publishers is really the best thing when your job is to critique their product. Yet jumps at the chance to work in gaming PR. That must be it, I'm really just bitter because I don't have any Assassin's Creed hoodie tops and I never got a call back to be one of the seemingly hundred-odd, feckless morons at Rising Star Games.

Oh, and the whole, "don't write for free" thing? The lazy dick holes that  spout that old chestnut like to omit that if all the big magazine publishers and websites weren't allowed interns any more, they would all grind to a halt over night. And then they would go the route of fan/no budget sites  and advertise for voluntary writers instead. Don't doubt for a second the blogsphere is any great hot bed of creativity or reasoned thought, compared to anywhere else on the internet. And if you look for it, there is really is quality video game writing that deeply looks into a particular gaming subject,  looks at the other side of common augments or hype, legitimate industry experts  and those who can abstain from sucking corporate cock. But don't believe any of the hacks when they give it old sob story that blogs are devaluing games journalism. Because they're talking sheer bollocks. A site run by one guy, about retro games can never hope to devalue the games journalism industry any further than tweeting the name of a publisher for free consoles, censoring a fellow writer with legal action, presenting infomercials for publishers while still calling oneself a games journalist, using a quick look on metacritic as the basis for writing industry news, then whining like a kicked puppy when called out on it, constantly socialising with PR people and seeing nothing remotely wrong with it, or purposely giving a high score to a game that every other reviewer has shit on in a pathetic attempt to grab hits and get himself noticed on metacritic. And I would bet most people reading would be able to guess the exact story behind all those examples as well.

This is what those disgusting fucking hacks don't realise. They're no different from the very gamers they like to belittle for being entitled and selfish. But they're so caught up in their self importance they don't realise no amount of blogs, youtube rants or creepy Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction can cheapen games journalism when it was never worth much anyway. Not after they whored it out until they got every canape, free bottle of Italian lager and Raiden action figure they can lay their greasy little hands on. Well fuck that, I'll stick with the bloke reviewing Master System games if you don't mind.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Anonymous Guest Spot: Why new PS EYE is the future of gaming

Due to my extensive series of contacts within the world of video games media (it pays to always have a camera handy when in the press area at the Eurogamer Expo) I have co-opted established professionals to contribute to my humble (unread) video game blog. But only under the conditions that I keep their identity secret (so they don't miss out on the orgy or freebies that is the GMAs) and I keep my promise never to publish the "spider-sex" photos.

Why the next gen PS EYE is the future of gaming

By Bobby Flower

In my time as a undervalued writer, journalist and self appointed saviour of all games writing, my solid gold opinion has always been needed on the latest comings and, indeed, goings in the bright world of computer games. Even if naw wan asked for it. But like the ever striking kicks of a Japanese wrestler I like to reference to show how much of a smart-mark I am, I must break though the doubts of lesser ideas. Plus I have nothing else on since I'm waiting for the next series of Tramadol Nights to start filming.

In between ironic sessions of Chu-Chu Rocket, I read about news that the new Playstation 4 may come bundled with a next gen version of the PS EYE  which will have facial recognition, improved video chat over the previous PS EYE, be able to track head movement and work with Sony's upcoming line of 4K tellys. Which my good showbiz  friend, Charlie Brooker already has a pre-order on.

And it was while talkin' to my good showbiz friend, Kieron Gillen -about the delicate, neo feminist subtext of a Televison comic making jokes about a blind toddler raping his maw- that I realised the idea of the 4 having a improved PS EYE is really the next generational leap the games industry has been pure desperate for. It's nae aboot quality graphics and sound any more. It's all about connecting all gamers together. I want to imagine a new console with a built in camera that can never be turned oaf. Where every user is always identified and connected to a online server, where you'll always appear in a little box in the corner of the screen of everyone you're playing with. More so, I want to imagine a online service where game developers can talk directly to and with their target audience by recognising that you played one of their previous games, totally doing away with having to travel all the way from da Barras to E3 every year...if I ever was invited to E3 that is. But I also want to imagine a full time connection to gamers for true game journalists.

Free from the confines of big business and all the bawbags in PR, more talented writers than myself, like my good showbiz pal, Robbie Coltrane, would be free to write about the intricate dodge system in Battle Arena Toshinden and why you're a dobber for not liking it. With writers, reviewers and other gaming personalities, like my good showbiz friend, Ally McCoist, unbound from the stuffy climate of the establishment who can reach their audience with their pure rhetoric...OK, that's the humility bit done.

The only reason the PS4 could ever be a success is if the twallys at Sony allow me to create a new gaming show and broadcast it on a 12 hour loop with constant proclamations from my fizzog, bestowing pure knowledge, telling gamers what games they're supposed to like or else be branded stupid cunts.

Nae offence to my good showbiz friends, like Dominik Diamond, but none of them are jobbing comedy writers with more experience in gaming TV than Myself. Sorry, but it's true. Sony should be Yakuza kicking ma door in to ask me to make a show for their PS4 seeing as I invented online videos that review games, short lived comedy sketch shows- disguised as video game shows- and  some bollocks on Xbox LIVE. I created it all and it sickens me to see lesser, untalented, overrated writers and presenters enjoying the fruits of my labours. I stalk them every day on Twitter, chumming around with others in the media for the purpose of quietly ripping them off. But out of a desperate attempt to shit-stir while still copping out of actually saying anything of worth, I won't name them. Because I'm like CM Punk...contrived to the nth degree.

Help mah boab! Due to the wishes of the roaster that owns this shitey blog, I'm being forced to leave on account of being, "a limp, lacking in conviction, poor mans Nigel Buckland with a hard on for Irvine Welsh."
Well I won't give the diddy cunt the pleasure of handing me ma cairds. I've been promised a writing spot on a  new comedy panel show where Jack Whitehall snorts the ashes of the dead, so it's nae bother to me. If he doesn't want a job cleaning the sets on the 5th series of The IT Crowd, that's his look out

Friday, 8 February 2013

Hideo Kojima set to bore West London a crap game shop

Hey, do you live near West London,  looking forward to playing Metal Gear Rising: Revengance (despite the rather lack luster demo) and enjoy queueing for hours at crappy little video game shops to be bored senseless by a glory hog? Then the corporate whores at MCV -who in no way secretly fund illicit donkey fighting videos- have great news for you, because the creator of the Metal Gear Solid series-and one of the single worst writers this side of Stephenie Meyer- Hideo Kojima and Konami's lead artist, Yoji Shinkawa will be on hand to serve copies of Metal Gear Rising: Revengance to the first 200 customers at GAME at the White City branch of  the Westfield shopping centre, on the games launch of Febuary 22. Whether Kojima and Shinkawa will also ringing up the till and try and badger you into buying extended warranty or try to cajole a naive parent into buying a extra 3DS, like the unhelpful arseholes in GAME usually do, has yet to be confirmed, as it that actual time of the meet and greet with two people who's only contribution to Metal Gear Rising was having the good sense to let hack and slash experts, Platinum Games take over the development and designing what Raiden and the refugee enemies from Metal Gear Solid 4 look like.
So bare that in mind if you want to take part in the Kojima Q&A, via  GAME's twitter using the hashtag, #GAMEAsksKojima. Unless you want to ask him at what point did Kojima Productions realise they didn't know how to make a full on action game? Or how 15 minute cut scenes are suitable for a speedy hack and slash game, where you can slice a robot cat in half?  Or does Kojima ever plan to find out what characterisation and plot means? Just something to get you going.But get those questions in by Monday, ok?
However, because this was reported by MCV, they didn't do enough research into the actual time of the event. But from checking a MGS fan site I can tell you the event (being the Q&A and photo op) will take place at 10pm on Feb 21 with the game getting a midnight launch right after. So I would suggest you turn up at 8pm at the very latest. Because some of those skinny Big Boss cosplayers are gonna get in there quick. So don't say you haven't been warned.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Ben Kuchera will save the games industry

I know everyone is right now chattering over the rumour that the next Microsoft console may block pre-owned games with activation codes and always on DLC. Well so far that's just rumour that someone told Edge magazine. It's hearsay, there's nothing concrete and nothing like the actual, real life defence of the games industry, and in turn games journalism that the lone hero, Ben Kuchera, the head of game coverage at popular (badly drawn) online comic, gaming convention organiser and practitioner of rape jokes, Penny Arcade.
Kuchera -or "Big Benny" as the graffiti in the toilets reads- is truly the last, great hope the entire games industry has. Oh yes, Big Benny is the lone soldier fighting everything that may threaten the pure alchemy of video games or the delicate art of games journalism. Especially against that demonic dick bag, Erik Kain at Forbes who wrote a disgusting little article about how to steal games. Can you believe it? Kain basically wrote about how you can play a emulated version of the never released snes game, Nightmare Busters. When a indie company is already making an actual cartridge release that you can buy at the same price as a new game today. Damn you to hell Erik Kain! If it wasn't for the ever watchful eye of Big Benny looking out for those poor innocent souls at Super Fight Team, who only dream of feeding all the little kiddies in orphanage they run by selling a cartridge of a cancelled 16-bit game at the same price it would of gone for back in 1993. Even though it was legal to play a emulated version, Big Benny put that horrible Mr Kain right in his place for daring to promote game piracy. Don't you know video game piracy is no different to lending Osama Bin Ladin a tenner? Thank Christ we have a noble protector like Big Benny Kuchera to name and shame the retched glamourisers of piracy like Erik Kain. Which you can read about on this entitled article from Something Awful. May every deity in existence bless you Ben Kuchera for harshly criticising the enemy of games journalism that is Erik Kain by hurling over exaggerated accusations and insults at him on Twitter. It's the only way the little shitter will learn. So here's to you Benny!
"Just doing my job ma'am"
And in no way is Sir Ben Kuchera -of the unfunny web comic- a crawling white knight (in the correct sense in that he's defending  something that didn't actually need defending in the first place) who is trying to crawl up the arse of yet another publishers. Shame on you for thinking such a thing.

...Unless it's really funny, in which case feel free to stick the boot in

Friday, 1 February 2013

Anonymous Guest spot: Sony tease Playstation 4

Thanks to the nonexistent reception to our last guest writer post, we're doing it again. Because I've had a shit week -even by social retard standards- so I'm more than happy to allow far more experienced and professional game journalists than I. But, for the sake of not being blacklisted by Activision, they must remain anonymous and thus write under a pseudonym. Which I am happy to oblige in return for industry standard writing. Enjoy...

Sony shows sum wicked Playstation fourage!

By Julie Haddoway

HEY DUDES! It's your favourite fact-popping, party-stepping, dipsomaniac game journalist, Julie Haddowaaaaay back and right in your face yo! #PartyHard4softWRK

BTW have you all seen the new soooony teaser video? Smack your eyeballs on this RAWKING video that might be the start of the big reveal for the Playstation 4. I hope it has a big launch party, so I can get off my face meet all my great game journalist mates and advertise whatever EA games will be on  the AWESOOOOOOOOME PS4. Video below chaps and chappettes #butAlsoBuyBattlefield

RAWRRRR! How coolio was that? Thx to my buddies in the games world and the journalism degree I won in a packet of Shreddies I can reveal that the PS4 will clearly be made of electricity, dubstep and FEB 20 2013, whatever that is. It must be some xtreeeeeem kind of special programming that makes EA games more brain meltingly worth every penny they try to squeeze from you #TheyPayMEinJaeger #CanIhaveAnotherPSfree

URGH! I really shouldn't of mixed 5 Jaeger bombs and that cheap speed I shared with that giant walking toad the boss of Ready Up #YOLO because now I've sobered up, I now realise FEB 20 must mean that on Feburary the 20th of this year, Sony will make a official announcement that may or may not be their console #realGamesJournalism that you'll be able to play all the bestest EA realses in your gamez shack.

ZAZABING-BANG! What kind of games would you want to see on the #IwantAfree PS4? Any of those games from EA or any other publisher that cares to ply me with booze and free hoodie tops? And can any of you lovely, lovely people come up with a subject for my next half-arsed article for the soft core poser rag I write game reviews for? Because I think I need a break from just writing about going to press events as I've recently noticed there's blood my uriiiiiiiiiiiinnnne URGH! Maybe I should stop eating my own hair extentions? #DontPutEEZinURcoffee