Thursday, 31 January 2013

StarCraft needs drunken violence to go mainstream

As noted by the quiet hypocrites at eurogamer, Blizzard, the makers of popular RTS mainstay, StarCraft are quite happy with the rise in the audience for pro-gaming tournaments (or "esports" as the terminally stupid call it) thanks in no small part to the massive increase in viewership for the live streaming for game tournaments. The ubiquitous Major League Gaming has boasted a 334% growth in it's audience.
But Blizzard, and by extension Blizzards design production chief, Chris Sigaty wants to use that rise in audience as the foundation to persue the holy grail of any popular movement (after sponsorship), that being mainstream acceptance. And that would mostly mean getting StarCraft 2 tournaments on live TV, like they have in Korea. However, the chances that American television audiences will tune in, in their droves to watch  tiny sci-fi based RTS game is about as likely Morrissey getting married to Colonel Sanders (which is impossible on several levels). But Chris Sigaty has already thought of that, with his own actual brain no less. Because he knows exactly what the StarCraft brand needs to make that jump into mainstream, middle America, trashy reality TV!
Citing the rise in popularity of the Ultimate Fighting Championship in the States and the rise (but ignoring the currant fall) in ratings of UFC's punching-flavoured talent show, "The Ultimate Fighter", where a bunch of upcoming mixed martial artists all live in a house while they train and battle through weekly fights until the live final, where the eventual winner is awarded a UFC contract. But being a reality show, a healthy does of contrived events and situations are thrown in between all the cardio training and homoerotic posturing. So those young men are all cooked up in a house with no TV, no outside contact and unending supply of alcohol. So you get  a weekly supply of vodka fuelled carnage like this

So look forward to seeing DIMAGA getting utterly wankered on jaeger bombs, having a clumsy fight with his team mates and kicking a door in. Because the StarCraft player scene is well known for being a bunch of testosterone fuelled hell raisers. That being said, if you've met any pro-gamers then you'll know they're more than qualified in the arsehole stakes to star on reality TV, so Sigaty is on to something, he just needs  a more suitable format. Like...

"Entitled Island" -Where  gamers are sent to a tropical island, with no money and they have to survive purely on their own powers of complaining until someone gives them some food, clothes or shelter. The show continues until someone whines so much, they actually own the island.

"I Blame The Game" - In which contestants are instructed to act out unsociable behaviour -like swearing in libraries, kicking toddlers, pissing in toasters etc- and whenever a unwitting member of the public challenges them, the contestant must blame their act on a video game. If they manage to convince someone they only vomited on a nun because they played too much Dark Souls, then they win a cash prize.

"The X-Button Factor" - Talent show where gamers show off how many times they can press the X button on a controller in five seconds. If they can impress a panel of a closeted homosexual, a rampant cocaine addict and a amateur porn actress then they get to win total anonymity

"Shut Up Bitch!" - 10 female gamers are placed in a luxury apartment. The moment one says anything remotely connected to the subject of games, they're ejected for being a attention whore. Last woman left wins a years subscription to xbox LIVE

And that's that four examples some no-name blogger came up with. I'm sure the high intelligences and creative types that work in TV could trump those concepts with their eyes closed. Because we all know TV has always done a great job of representing video games

Monday, 28 January 2013

Happy junior PR person day!

If you didn't already know, today is Community Manager Appreciation Day (yes this is a thing) which in the world of video games is like being a entry level PR person. The difference is like that of a online games journo to a print one. On the surface they seem the same but the latter garners more money, prestige and most of all, more perks.
Being a community manager is just that, managing a community: a forum, twitter and facebook page, propagating the message of whatever the community is based on. So, for example,  if you're managing the community for a video game website, you trawl though the endless threads about how game X sucks compared to game Y and if you don't agree, then you're a motherless shit. Moderating all posts according to the guidelines set by your employer (usually anything thread that criticises you and begins to gain steam) and write "copy" which ranges from writing (boring everyone to death with) basic fluff pieces about your ongoing project to custom your wargaming figures into a army Welsh Baptists or the more common promotional pieces about hoe fantastic and cancer-curing your employer is. All while updating the feeds for the social media outlets and not forgetting the important correlation of audience information. In essence you are the face of the company as you'll most likely be the main point of contact the audience has with the business that employs you.
However, being a gaming community then the only way you'll see a worse collection of cunts is if you're the on hand gynaecologist for Babestation as we all know how ugly it can turn on gaming forums, especially official ones for specific publishers/games
"Oh God, not another Dragon Age thread"

But if you can withstand the ebb and flow of hatred, misplaced ownership and actual grievances, and inside your withered chest beats the dark heart of a corporate shill, then working as a community manager is the first step to becoming a gaming PR person. As a PR person you still have your daily exposure to scum, entitled thieves and borderline psychotics, but because they're game journalists and you hold the keys to the lost city of review exclusives, they have to be nice to you. And you get to go to all of the press events and have first dibs at the free shit. If you're a poor, lowly community manager then you better diet the fuck out of yourself, because all the large and extra large t-shirts will have been nabbed by the PR people first. Thankfully, being a  community manager is a quicker stepping stone to being a PR person than hack games journalist ever will be, so you'll be doing lines of bath salts off of a assets disc long before the likes of  Dan Maher has turned up. So it is worth it in the end.
So for all of you community managers out there. Your job could be done by a trained badger, your needy demeanour secretly annoys all around you -because, no I'm not interested retweeting some spam bot for more followers or winning a free mug shaped like a french poodle- but you have what it takes to be a complete, shameless, corporate whore. So hang in there and one day you'll live in a world where people are simply  statistics and everyone have a price. One day you'll get there, you beautiful, pointless little person you...One day

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Anonymous Guest writer spot: EA will ban all Sim City players

Bit of a experiment here at Suicide Gaming. On account of me being too lazy to write anything at present (if you can think of a better thing to do than stalk the editor of The Escapist, I'd like to hear it) and the generally accepted fact that I suck at games journalism. Something I'm constantly made aware of by other games journalists, which is like being criticised by the ghost of Jimmy Saville for being a bad child minder. But in the spirit of progress, I have brought in a guest writer. A proper professional in the world of games journalism as well. Who, for the sake of their job, can not be named as it would harm their career to be writing on a blog for no money. So I thank (perhaps the first of many?) our guest writer and expert news aggregator, Benny Piecrust, to show this humble blog how it's meant to be done.


By Benny Piecrust

A bunch of entitled EA fanboys will get in the sticky hole because they've illegally been playing on the beta for the new Sim City game from EA. Gamers like that really need to understand that EA doesn't owe them free games and forcing their way onto a essential and painstaking process like beta testing will only lead to more closures in the high street.

UPDATE: Thanks to a recent attempt at actual research, we've now investigate further into the matter (by actually reading the website I nicked this story from) we now realise EA are clamping down on poor beta testing by threatening to ban lazy testers from all EA games. Which can only be a good thing for the games industry at large as one of the biggest publishers is actively looking to improve upon the BETA testing process. This can only be good for the high street retailer.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Upon putting my glasses on and extending my research to more than just looking at the pictures (happy now you whiny bastards) it actually turns out that moaning gits taking part in the open beta for the new Sim City, have abused the End User License Agreement (or EULA to us GMA winners) by coding game and high street breaking bugs into the new Sim City, resulting in a total ban from all EA games.

ANOTHER FUCKING UPDATE: Thanks to a reliable source at EA, we have now discovered that what has actually occurred is that beta testers for Sim City have all been banned from all EA games, past and present because they were all dossing about buying rare transformers toys on ebay when they should of been working (like I do) which is terrible for the entire games industry and  high street retailers. So stop going on about it and trying to correct me, you bunch of entitled wankers!

THE LAST FUCKING FUCKDATE YOU PRICKS: As the horde of tosspots online have told me, even though it's not their fucking business, the actual news story I copied is that the terms the EULA of the beta for Sim City states that EA reserve the right to ban a tester from all EA games for failing to report a bug. There, that's the actual story. You couldn't have just clicked on the link? Would have saved you, me and the high street the fucking bother of having to rewrite this old wank, when all you need to know is, Sim City is coming soon, so cunting well buy it! That's all you need to know you morons...God, I wish I could just write about transformers instead, that would be great. Penning great articles about the Autobits and the Deceptioncons and wanking myself retarded over Masterpiece Red Alert. Damn sight better than pointlessly trying to live up to the basic standards of the fucking geeks who read my news site. Fuck those sad bastards.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Achievement unlocked: You've been ripped off

According to rumours reported to StickTwiddlers two entities that love to gouge gamers for every spare penny are joining forces, as the mum-bothering high street retailer, GAME and everyone's favourite online pay wall, Xbox LIVE are supposedly teaming up in a point joint promotion in which the lost souls who usually frequent midnight launches can unlock a special achievement for queueing up for hours in end, huddling up to the kind of wanker, that thinks posting "first" on a YouTube video  is the height of wit, for mutual warmth. Just so they can have all the achievements on a game. Which, by the way, will add nothing to your actual gamer score, so it seems. So you would of spent all that time stuck behind the poor mouth breathing, attention whore who think turning up to every fucking launch event is anything in the way of an actual achievement. Even though you can mostly get said game or gadget earlier if you buy it online.
"We're better than you, because we're going inside a shop at night"

Well done GAME, since you absolved Gamestation, the main concern was the alienation of the core gamer, the type of person who openly dislikes GAME's usual practise of hard-selling customers into buying more games, going for pre-owned (with no warning that a online pass might be needed) and the great retail scam that is the extended warranty, or "game insurance" as HMV quaintly calls it now. Oh yes, there's no way one could ever see GAME on the verge of total bankruptcy with red hot concepts like allowing Xbox 360 owners to show off a fucking label that proved they're too stupid to pre-order a game online where it's more than likely to be cheaper than GAME has it for and will be delivered to your door the morning of release. So long as there's enough morons, GAME will see it through this turbulent economy.

Monday, 7 January 2013

MCV are good at research: A small guide to Play Arts Kai figures

The faceless scumbags behind the glorified video game marketing website, MCV- you know, they specialise in being Square Enix's whore for cash and encourage their writers to sue other writers who criticise them- have once again shown they really do employ the cream (or perhaps sediment) of UK games journalism by publishing a  poorly researched, glorified advert and passing it off as news. Well, it's actually a just an attempt at stealing views by hopping on the back of the work of another website (which mostly everyone does) and hoping to steal some of their traffic., disguised as a glorified advert, for Square Enix no less. What a surprise.
It's no wonder MCV employ the surly, testicle-faced, Ben Parfitt when he continues to wank off lazy, copy-and-paste, promotional bullshit pieces and pass them off as news. You only have to go back over his previous demented scribblings to see how many times he updates and revises his posts. Like the time Parfitt reported a almost entirely positive critical response to Square Enix's Hitman: Absolution. But he actually just had a quick look on Metacritic and thought that enough research. But not before calling people who dared correct him a bunch of cunts on twitter.
So, for your benefit (because I love you) I'll give you the actual facts that he couldn't be bothered to look up himself: First off, the figure line is called, "Play Arts Kai" (which Squeenix own) which is a new and improved version of the previous "Play Arts" line. Boasting larger scale, more paint details and more articulation.
Although he quoted Full Metal Heroes price quote of £100 (at Zavvi) for the figure, bare in mind only the white armoured Raiden (from the Metal Gear Rising Revengeance game) comes in the special collectors edition of the game. The one pictured, in the regular black armour, is the regular retail version. And does not cost upwards of £100, as Ben Parfitt thinks. Except for one figure in the Play Arts Kai line (MGS2 Solidus) no figure does. The normally sell between 45 and 60 pounds (although £70 if you buy directly in a Forbidden Planet store) depending on where you shop around.
Which is the very most they're worth as they are nice looking figures, on the whole,but you could never lump them in the same class as real high end figure lines like Hot Toys and Enterbay, which do sell for well over £100. Two other factors you must consider before buying a PAK figure, the paint job. They are more detailed than your average Marvel Legends figure, they do have a habit of being over shaded. By which, whoever at the factory in charge of spraying on the contrived shading effect has gone overboard. If you've seen the PAK Kratos figure, which has been blasted with grey, right in the face, you'll know what I mean. Also, PAK figures do not have the best quality control. I've read of numerous reports of arms breaking, legs falling off and Squeenix being no fucking help. So remember to inspect the figure before buying, make sure it comes unbroken with all the accessories and don't play around with it like a little kid would. They break very easily, and check a online review of the figure (there tonnes of guys on youtube you can find) before splashing out on Raiden.
There, loads more information than that angry gobshite Parfitt could garner you with. It makes you wonder, how could not do a basic fact check? He always bangs on about collecting transformers, so he should have  cursory knowledge of where best to buy them and other toys? Unless he's one of those fake geek guys I've been reading about? That must be it! The reason his articles are so crap and he constantly insults his own audience is because he's a fucking faker! He just teases you with reports of game releases and new consoles without  giving any actual information. He doesn't give a cocksuckers spit about video games, he just wants your clicks because it makes him feel good about himself, the whore! That's what Ben Parfitt is, a lying bloody whore! Fuck you Ben, you write like a work experience kid and you don't make my penis hard. Get out of the video game treehouse you slaggy journalist, I'll be damned if I ever get conned by a revolting click-tease like you ever again.