Monday, 24 December 2012

Suicide Gaming end of year awards: the glad hands

It's that time of year when games journalists have fuck all else to write about, so they knock out a worthless puff-piece looking back at the highlights of the year. And I'm no different, except the Suicide Gaming end of year awards, The Glad Hands and Backhands, aren't written to further cement their grip on the cock of game publishers, in the hope their  hand written hand job will result in plenty of review code and event invites in the new year. My list of people, games, events and other related items of note in 2012 are on the list purely because I think they deserve the attention, for better or worse. And at least it's not some mawkish Christmas message, like some glorified PR people would write. So without further a do. Here's the best of 2012, the Glad Hand winners:

Retrocade magazine

For being the first video game magazine in nearly a decade I parted with actual money for and didn't regret it. More than just a collection of reviews and articles of childhood memories. Retrocade reads like a game magazine from the 80's. Lists of high scores, instructional manuals on BASIC, old school adverts (back when most cover art looked like a prog rock album cover) and smartly written articles on genres and subject matters from gaming's past. Where else would you find a article looking into the proper sex of a Final Fight enemy which turns into a journey of the author challenging his own views on gender identification? And best yet, it's a downloadable mag, so there's no missing a issue in the news agents.

Dredd 3D

If you didn't see this in the cinema to experience the full 3D effect then shame on you. Because you missed out on a excellent sci-fi, action thriller -with feminist undertones- that pisses all over the vastly inferior Stallone movie. Dredd (wonderfully realised by Karl Urban) is the main star but the movie is really about rookie judge Anderson (brilliantly played by Olivia Thrilby), who is unsure whether she's cut out to be in the ranks of the totalitarian Judges of Megacity-1, on account of empathising with people- thanks to her psychic ability. Which puts her at loggerheads with the grim, stoney-faced Dredd as they end up trapped inside a collossal tower block ran by psycho drugs boss Ma Ma (Lena Headey) who wants both Judges dead. Don't let the shadow of the shitty Stallone Judge Dredd movie put you off. Dredd is far from a brainless comic book movie and Anderson and Ma Ma are far from tacked on female roles. Ma Ma isn't some limp, fem fatal who uses her super model looks to manipulate brainless crims into doing her bidding. No, Ma Ma is a shark-like, alpha nutcase who is in charge because she's a brutal killer who doesn't blink at having someone skinned and thrown down hundreds of floors to their death. And Anderson is the prefect foil to the emotionless Dredd as she grows in confidence and proves she's worthy of wearing the badge. Sadly the movie bombed in the box office, so make sure you get this on DVD/BluRay and then lament that we'll never see Urban as Dredd and Thirlby as Anderson ever again. And speaking of which...

2000 AD

Not only did the Dredd movie exceed all expectations but 2012 has really been a top year for the galaxies greatest comic. Nikolai Dante reached it's end in the only way it could. The ABC warriors showcased Clint Langely's amazing digital artwork and it achieved the impossible by doing a crossover story that actually worked, because it was all self contained, so you didn't have to buy another comic for the whole story. It started with the days of chaos and reached a climax with trifecta. You wouldn't be blamed for thinking the prog has hit upon a new golden age.


In recognition of their tireless work in researching the blatant hypocrisy of game journalists during the "doritosgate" furore and being a netter news source than any (supposedly) legitimate gaming site...and that thread about the guy that got a STD off a prostitute and ended up marrying her sister, that was fucking hilarious and heartbreaking in equal measure. Oh, and those photoshop threads are pretty excellent too. So don't listen to the hacks who dismiss your honest reservations with games media and have the common sense to walk away from any "men's rights" threads.

Lollipop Chainsaw

Thank fuck Suda 51 was able to get this thoroughly enjoyable hack and slash (or saw) title published by someone other than Rising Star Games, or else I wouldn't even know this existed, let alone when it was released. With combat more fun than DMC (the remake with Justin Bieber) and better presentation and soundtrack than Bayonetta -thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy helmer, James Gunn and MSI's Jimmy Urine- this really is a gem of a action game that you should track down. And in tribute to the sterling soundtrack, the Suicide Gaming gladhand goes specifically to Jimmy Urine's cock, as he moaned about it not winning anything on his fucking twitter. Happy now?
At least, I think that's his cock


It speaks volumes about a games originality, aesthetic and overall gameplay is so good, that you tolerate the long development time, the save destroying update (just stay away from it kids) and that  Fez's creator, Phil Fish  is a twat of the highest order. But he's a clever twat in taking Super Paper Mario's initial concept and running with it. And if any Japanese people got knocked over then to hell with them! Because as I enjoyed the puzzle platforming and brightly realised pixel style graphics, I couldn't help but think, "how can such a massive wanker create something so wonderful?" Just goes to show, there's more than one side to some people...and yes, I will be punching myself in the face for writing that weak analogy.

Anita Sarkeesian

Before May of this year, Sarkeesian was a fairly unknown media critic and maker of the feminist video series, "Tropes vs Women" which looked at how women are depicted in media. And then she decided she wanted to do a video game based series of Tropes vs Women and all holy hell broke loose as every misogynist with a games console attacked her with all the maturity and restraint of a angry baby shark that had it's dummy stolen. By the initial reaction alone, you'd think Sarkeesian was trying to raise money to build a laser weapon that would target every copy of COD in existence. And then it got worse as threats of murder and rape were sent to her and some waste of DNA created a flash game where you could punch Sarkeesian in the face! So even though I don't agree with everything she says and  being a  "media critic"  is no different to "dosser who sits at home watching telly all day", except you blog about it. Sarkeesian should be thanked for being the person who finally drew attention to the fact gaming, it's associated media and gamers need to grow up and get some fucking perspective.

The Gaming Goose's dog

Even if I do disagree with (by which I mean, secretly know they're wrong) some of his world views. I do agree with his policy on being kind to animals. So if you can, chip in something to his GoFundMe  page to help raise the money to get that eye operation for his dog.

A street cat named Bob

Thought I only liked dogs? Then, as always, your assumptions about me will be your downfall. A street cat named Bob is the true story of one man's redemption from drug addiction and being homeless. All from meeting a very extraordinary cat. If you've ever wondered around the Covent Garden area of London, then you might have seen James Bowen busking, with Bob at his side, who travels with him on the bus. The book is a bit of a weepy and captures the attitude of having a cat.

The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The initial worries over the stylised, CGI look of this new show disappeared within the first ten minutes of the first episode. Not since the flawed, TMNT movie (the CGI one) has the turtles properly come across like brothers. And in this new show, all four turtles and their master, Splinter are a brilliantly realised family unit. All the turtles have their own distinct characteristics, yes, even Leonardo! Remember when he was just, "the one with the swords"? Here, he's the unsure, yet to realise his full potential, sci-fi geek. All the voice cast are excellent, with original Raphiel -Rob Paulsen- now playing Donatello as a love struck boffin, but the run away star turn is Greg Cipes as Michelangelo. A work of comedy genius.
Throw into that, a genuinely threatening Shredder, a interesting take on Krang/ the ultron and more fan references than you can shake a bo staff at.

Honorable mentions

Patrick Scott Petterson -For his stance against the NRA douchebags who think playing Kirby turns you into, well, a member of the NRA., But also for his refreshingly snappy and presenter free online series, Gaming Culture x History x Attitude

Dicks -For being the funniest comic this side of the Shankill Road, and to Avatar Press for having the balls to even publish it.

Neca -I'm gonna be broke buying their Portal stuff, but I honestly don't care. They're making figures of Peabody and Atlas, that's all that matters. - If only for Minecraft Danny Dyer and they're not afraid to talk about the scumbags that work in games journalism

Wesley Copeland - For not being scared to go against what other journos, or even gamers are saying and this excellent article about gaming and depression.

Jet Set Radio - For finally being on a digital format. And for being Jet Set Radio

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