Friday, 28 December 2012

Suicide Gaming end of year awards: the backhands

You were expecting this weren't you? And now Christmas day and a pretty good doctor who special is done with, we can go back to business as usual by awarding the bastards of 2012 with the first annual "Backhands" to give due credit to major cuntishness this year. So the usual barbs for EA and Activision don't qualify as that's par the course for them.

Lauren Wainwright

Not much of a shocker, is it? The unintentional face of games journalism (and not a animal abuser, I'm fairly certain) after being mentioned in Robert Florence's Eurogamer article, as an example of the ubiquitous nature of the PR people within games media., citing Wainwright's promotional tweet to win a PS3. She then threatened legal action unless Eurogamer cut her out of the article, which they did, causing Florence to leave (be sacked by) Eurogamer. This shameless greed and censorship of another writer perfectly personified exactly what is wrong with games journalism. More the "nothing happened, move on" attitude of  her fellow hacks. Granted, she's not the mastermind of the long running collusion between publishers and game journalists. But her actions and apparent oblivious nature concerning just how dodgy it looks to promote a game publisher in return for a free console at an awards show (supposedly) for games journalism! However, we can thank her for being the crack in the plaster that has made some realise the wall of games media is crooked.

Robert Florence

"But wait, you spoke out over Florence's article being censored and getting flack off people in games media." That's right, I did. And I always will speak up for his, my and everyone else's right to have basic freedom of speech. It doesn't mean I like him or anything the self satisfied, internet darling does. A jobbing comedy writer   and internet Jesus as he always reminds people. Although if you ever saw Video Gaiden (the regional video game show, that was actually a comedy sketch show that happened to be about games) or read on of his condescending reviews or articles, you wouldn't think so. Anyone that critiques a game with "If you don't like this game, it's because you're crap at it" is no better than the mouth breathing clique that hound potential new players from daring to try their precious game. "But wait, Florence's so-so article named and shamed Lauren Wainwright and Dave Cook. He's saving games journalism!" No he wasn't. He was hinting at something by quoting tweets from a couple of hacks wanting free stuff. He hinted at journos who are always on the scrounge for free stuff, going out to press events and chumming up to the PR people. Did Florence name and shame these corrupt parties dragging games journalism through the mud? No - even though that's the real story- he didn't. I mean, come on Rob. Just tell us one of them, it's Steve Boxer isn't it? Or were you promised a go on his Thai mail order bride to keep shut?

DC Comics
The above image (fixed by myself) of a advert the irrelevant College Humour site- ran in all of it's comics for roughly a month- pretty much sums up the overriding feeling DC hates comics and comic readers. And I don't mean that like some lame, straw man "Oh, publisher X won't make game Y, they hate us!" because that's always a case of lack of money or incompetence. But I honestly feel DC parent company, Warners are honestly have a dislike for the medium of comics. And I'm not going on about Before Watchmen, that's a issue (get it?) with all of the comics biz. As if the "New 52" wasn't pointless enough as a overblown stunt to recapture lapsed readers -because that advert makes it abundantly clear new readers aren't welcome. Then virtually every woman in the DC universe was redrawn to resemble a lap dancer, add to that multiple sackings and departures, forcing Rob Liefeld on the comic reading public in more than one title. The ridiculous firing (and then rehiring-well done internet) of Gail Simone and the continued mishandling of the Vertigo (what, no Hellblazer?) line has lead 2012 to be a rather frustrating year to read DC comics. Yeah, Batwoman looks great but it better start getting beyond this Cthulu wank-off soon. And where the fuck is the Marshal Law reprint?

MCV/ Games Media Awards

It's a double-header as both MCV and the GMAs are run by the same parent company, intent media. So they can have all the credit for the prolonged whoring of  games journalism. MCV as a news source is a fucking joke- just look how many times posts have to be edited on account of their writers only doing the most basic of research (which to them is having a quick look on metacritic or copy-and-pasting some PR blurb) and who clearly have no standards, if their previous employee, Lauren Wainwright is anything to go by. Who, by the way, way dropped for, "not passing her probationary period" meaning, "You're a lowely freelancer, and you're attracting too much heat so fuck off" in public. Because writing and journalism is all well and good (except when Ben Parfitt does it) but you don't want it eating into that important ad revenue, do we?  Likewise, the GMAs have long been considered a industry joke and something to be ashamed of even being nominated for amongst game journos and how they were sponsored by coked-up  geordies last year. This year more people outside of the usual gaggle of video game hacks, or "the charlie club" as others call them, thanks to said hacks sacrificing any legitimacy they had to win a PS3. But at least thank the GMAs for being unofficial labels for shit game journalists, if a writer has won one, then avoid their opinion like the fucking plague. And don't ever let those entitled cunts tell you otherwise.


Most big time publishers act like massive shit baskets anyway, but Capcom really went above and beyond this year, starting off with their below average beat 'em up, Street Fighter X Tekken and Capcom's blatant money grab by locking off some of the characters so they could sell them back to you as downloadable content for the sake of "ease of use" so could play against someone online who had them and there wouldn't be a connection issue. No Capcom, "ease of use" would be to have those characters that are on that fucking disc I paid for. Things carried on as they began when the marketing for SF X Tekken left a equally bitter taste in the mouth when a tournament organised to promote the game, "cross assault" ended up being an example of the culture of the fighting game, sorry, that's Twatty O'Beard-face's words. What actually happened was the moron you see pictured sexually harassed a female contestant (and a member of his own team in the competition) and Capcom did fuck all about it. Then Resident Evil 6 continued the overall mediocre crappyness that was eveident in Resi 5 but making 6 into a Gears of War knock off that had a hard on for Quick Timer Events. So much so someone wrote a song about them. And releasing a (admittedly free and quite decent) fan made game to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Megaman when they could of released two actual Megaman games, had they not sacked the fucking producer. Could be worse, at least he wasn't worked to near death like SF4 producer, Yoshinori Ono was.

Square Enix

The fact their online shop is still down from being hacked for god knows how long now (seriously, I just want that fucking Bayonetta figure) would be enough to have them here, but Squeenix, their marketing department and newly bought Cristal Dynamics have been so offensively idiotic, it wouldn't be much of a surprise if it was revealed Jimmy Saville worked for them. First was the early footage of the Tomb Raider reboot, how it would be a retelling of Lara Croft's origin and footage of young Lara about to be groped. Executive producer at Crystal Dynamics, Ron Rosenberg explained this was included as a way to make male players empathise with Lara and how the trauma of nearly being raped was part of what makes her into the kick ass action heroine we all know. As if sexual assault was some kind of character building experience that makes you into a tough woman that boys can respect, even if the developers don't seem to. Rosenberg's comments were quickly rebuked and it was explained that Lara, at not point, gets raped. Her captor tries to grab her breasts and she knees him in the balls to make her escape. A slip of the tongue perhaps? Then came the Hitman: Absolution "attack of the saints" trailer. I say trailer, it looked more like the result of what you'd see if Michael Bay or Zack Snyder had made a porno, set in a universe where men had no penis so had to make do with impregnating women with bullets instead. Fuck, it makes a lot more sense than the back tracking over murdering a bunch of S&M nuns to sell a video game! Then came a quick backtrack over not wanting to cause offence, which Squeenix did when a facebook app promoting Hitman allowed users to target people for reasons such as, "small tits." Great job Squeenix, be sure to sight small tits as an excuse when the next Dragon Quest sells bugger all.


The inexplicably popular (by youtube standards) and completely unfuckable KSI, who made a name for himself making videos about Fifa, PC accessories and acting like a prize prick at events. Most noticeably this years Eurogamer Expo where his hackneyed act of behaving like the trainee rapists you see at conventions. Well, it is youtube.  But acting like he worked for the old PlaystationPlus magazine (in their period of wanting to be Loaded magazine or play-mag) did at least get him banned from the Eurogamer Expo. But alas, until I finally catch him alone and nail him to a door, so I cam smash his arsehole open (to roughly a diameter of 25cm) and vomit boiling hot venom into his weeping anus wound. Only then will he be able to understand a tenth of what people feel like from watching his abominable attempts communicating to his legions of dubstep listening dickheads and woman-haters who think Jack Whitehall is the height of comedy (after a viral video of a baby seal being crushed by a steamroller) uses the term "faggot" like it cures cancer and resents all women for committing the crime of not being in love with a obese chav. If you think my criticism of KSI is harsh then he only has himself to blame for going out dressed like acting like such a repugnant arsehole, just begging to have a new channel tunnel dug into it with the cock of Zeus.

Honourable fuck yous

G4 TV - After years of having little to no relevance to gaming, they finally saw sense and shut up shop. One can only hope their new owners are smart enough to keep it that way.

Explosive Alan -After poncing some cash of their fanbase, using it to make a glorified podcast with their hack buddies (remember how I said those that sucked them off on twitter would get to be on, just wait) and commercial pieces for publishers, the fruits of their labour equal to "Thank you for gaming" which looks exactly like Inside Xbox, except it's got a swear in it! No wonder you won the GMA for that level or originality.

Bruce Evriss - Just for being the resident troll on Gamesindustry International. You have to be a troll Bruce, because -outside of a Faustian pact- I refuse to believe someone as stupid as you appear can achieve a high position as you have.

Dan Howdle -Editor of X360 said fanboys were to blame for disproportionately high review scores. Right before he gave Hitman: Absolution 10 out of 10...pretty sure it's you Dan.

Silent Hill HD - Konami took one of the most atmospheric games of all time and then you took out what made it so atmospheric, the fog!

John Riccitiello - Because I'm not paying for fucking bullets in a game, nor should anyone else. Just for thinking of the idea -let alone pitching it to EA- you should throw yourself onto the come sponge at a leper's gang bang.

Curiosity - It's not a game, it's a online chain gang. Except prisoners in actual chain gangs didn't pay to join one.

Outside Xbox- I was gonna actually review their video content. But sadly it was so painfully bland and forgetable, that I couldn't write anything past, "it's just like inside exbox, but now with a giant meat puppet and the poor mans Jessica chobot." So sadly I never got a chance to use this image...

Fucking wasted!

Monday, 24 December 2012

Suicide Gaming end of year awards: the glad hands

It's that time of year when games journalists have fuck all else to write about, so they knock out a worthless puff-piece looking back at the highlights of the year. And I'm no different, except the Suicide Gaming end of year awards, The Glad Hands and Backhands, aren't written to further cement their grip on the cock of game publishers, in the hope their  hand written hand job will result in plenty of review code and event invites in the new year. My list of people, games, events and other related items of note in 2012 are on the list purely because I think they deserve the attention, for better or worse. And at least it's not some mawkish Christmas message, like some glorified PR people would write. So without further a do. Here's the best of 2012, the Glad Hand winners:

Retrocade magazine

For being the first video game magazine in nearly a decade I parted with actual money for and didn't regret it. More than just a collection of reviews and articles of childhood memories. Retrocade reads like a game magazine from the 80's. Lists of high scores, instructional manuals on BASIC, old school adverts (back when most cover art looked like a prog rock album cover) and smartly written articles on genres and subject matters from gaming's past. Where else would you find a article looking into the proper sex of a Final Fight enemy which turns into a journey of the author challenging his own views on gender identification? And best yet, it's a downloadable mag, so there's no missing a issue in the news agents.

Dredd 3D

If you didn't see this in the cinema to experience the full 3D effect then shame on you. Because you missed out on a excellent sci-fi, action thriller -with feminist undertones- that pisses all over the vastly inferior Stallone movie. Dredd (wonderfully realised by Karl Urban) is the main star but the movie is really about rookie judge Anderson (brilliantly played by Olivia Thrilby), who is unsure whether she's cut out to be in the ranks of the totalitarian Judges of Megacity-1, on account of empathising with people- thanks to her psychic ability. Which puts her at loggerheads with the grim, stoney-faced Dredd as they end up trapped inside a collossal tower block ran by psycho drugs boss Ma Ma (Lena Headey) who wants both Judges dead. Don't let the shadow of the shitty Stallone Judge Dredd movie put you off. Dredd is far from a brainless comic book movie and Anderson and Ma Ma are far from tacked on female roles. Ma Ma isn't some limp, fem fatal who uses her super model looks to manipulate brainless crims into doing her bidding. No, Ma Ma is a shark-like, alpha nutcase who is in charge because she's a brutal killer who doesn't blink at having someone skinned and thrown down hundreds of floors to their death. And Anderson is the prefect foil to the emotionless Dredd as she grows in confidence and proves she's worthy of wearing the badge. Sadly the movie bombed in the box office, so make sure you get this on DVD/BluRay and then lament that we'll never see Urban as Dredd and Thirlby as Anderson ever again. And speaking of which...

2000 AD

Not only did the Dredd movie exceed all expectations but 2012 has really been a top year for the galaxies greatest comic. Nikolai Dante reached it's end in the only way it could. The ABC warriors showcased Clint Langely's amazing digital artwork and it achieved the impossible by doing a crossover story that actually worked, because it was all self contained, so you didn't have to buy another comic for the whole story. It started with the days of chaos and reached a climax with trifecta. You wouldn't be blamed for thinking the prog has hit upon a new golden age.


In recognition of their tireless work in researching the blatant hypocrisy of game journalists during the "doritosgate" furore and being a netter news source than any (supposedly) legitimate gaming site...and that thread about the guy that got a STD off a prostitute and ended up marrying her sister, that was fucking hilarious and heartbreaking in equal measure. Oh, and those photoshop threads are pretty excellent too. So don't listen to the hacks who dismiss your honest reservations with games media and have the common sense to walk away from any "men's rights" threads.

Lollipop Chainsaw

Thank fuck Suda 51 was able to get this thoroughly enjoyable hack and slash (or saw) title published by someone other than Rising Star Games, or else I wouldn't even know this existed, let alone when it was released. With combat more fun than DMC (the remake with Justin Bieber) and better presentation and soundtrack than Bayonetta -thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy helmer, James Gunn and MSI's Jimmy Urine- this really is a gem of a action game that you should track down. And in tribute to the sterling soundtrack, the Suicide Gaming gladhand goes specifically to Jimmy Urine's cock, as he moaned about it not winning anything on his fucking twitter. Happy now?
At least, I think that's his cock


It speaks volumes about a games originality, aesthetic and overall gameplay is so good, that you tolerate the long development time, the save destroying update (just stay away from it kids) and that  Fez's creator, Phil Fish  is a twat of the highest order. But he's a clever twat in taking Super Paper Mario's initial concept and running with it. And if any Japanese people got knocked over then to hell with them! Because as I enjoyed the puzzle platforming and brightly realised pixel style graphics, I couldn't help but think, "how can such a massive wanker create something so wonderful?" Just goes to show, there's more than one side to some people...and yes, I will be punching myself in the face for writing that weak analogy.

Anita Sarkeesian

Before May of this year, Sarkeesian was a fairly unknown media critic and maker of the feminist video series, "Tropes vs Women" which looked at how women are depicted in media. And then she decided she wanted to do a video game based series of Tropes vs Women and all holy hell broke loose as every misogynist with a games console attacked her with all the maturity and restraint of a angry baby shark that had it's dummy stolen. By the initial reaction alone, you'd think Sarkeesian was trying to raise money to build a laser weapon that would target every copy of COD in existence. And then it got worse as threats of murder and rape were sent to her and some waste of DNA created a flash game where you could punch Sarkeesian in the face! So even though I don't agree with everything she says and  being a  "media critic"  is no different to "dosser who sits at home watching telly all day", except you blog about it. Sarkeesian should be thanked for being the person who finally drew attention to the fact gaming, it's associated media and gamers need to grow up and get some fucking perspective.

The Gaming Goose's dog

Even if I do disagree with (by which I mean, secretly know they're wrong) some of his world views. I do agree with his policy on being kind to animals. So if you can, chip in something to his GoFundMe  page to help raise the money to get that eye operation for his dog.

A street cat named Bob

Thought I only liked dogs? Then, as always, your assumptions about me will be your downfall. A street cat named Bob is the true story of one man's redemption from drug addiction and being homeless. All from meeting a very extraordinary cat. If you've ever wondered around the Covent Garden area of London, then you might have seen James Bowen busking, with Bob at his side, who travels with him on the bus. The book is a bit of a weepy and captures the attitude of having a cat.

The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The initial worries over the stylised, CGI look of this new show disappeared within the first ten minutes of the first episode. Not since the flawed, TMNT movie (the CGI one) has the turtles properly come across like brothers. And in this new show, all four turtles and their master, Splinter are a brilliantly realised family unit. All the turtles have their own distinct characteristics, yes, even Leonardo! Remember when he was just, "the one with the swords"? Here, he's the unsure, yet to realise his full potential, sci-fi geek. All the voice cast are excellent, with original Raphiel -Rob Paulsen- now playing Donatello as a love struck boffin, but the run away star turn is Greg Cipes as Michelangelo. A work of comedy genius.
Throw into that, a genuinely threatening Shredder, a interesting take on Krang/ the ultron and more fan references than you can shake a bo staff at.

Honorable mentions

Patrick Scott Petterson -For his stance against the NRA douchebags who think playing Kirby turns you into, well, a member of the NRA., But also for his refreshingly snappy and presenter free online series, Gaming Culture x History x Attitude

Dicks -For being the funniest comic this side of the Shankill Road, and to Avatar Press for having the balls to even publish it.

Neca -I'm gonna be broke buying their Portal stuff, but I honestly don't care. They're making figures of Peabody and Atlas, that's all that matters. - If only for Minecraft Danny Dyer and they're not afraid to talk about the scumbags that work in games journalism

Wesley Copeland - For not being scared to go against what other journos, or even gamers are saying and this excellent article about gaming and depression.

Jet Set Radio - For finally being on a digital format. And for being Jet Set Radio

Monday, 10 December 2012

G4 may be rebranded as Esquire TV

For those of you looking to follow in the footsteps of Olivia Munn's career (god help you) then you may be in luck. Only difference is, you may have to go a bit up market. Because even though the fucking terrible G4 gaming channel shut down the last of their video game content, with the demise of X-Play and Attack of the Show. However, the Hollywood Reporter has reported that G4 network owners, NBC Universal, may be finalising a deal to rebrand the channel in the image of hardly relevant, men's lifestyle magazine, Esquire. In an attempt to, "court metrosexual viewers that History and Spike ignore" with programming focused at "gaming and lifestyle." So for you ladies, wear only the very best evening gown when jumping into a giant pie. And fellas, get a decent shirt and tie for presenting that puff piece about how awesome Mass Effect 3 is or how we're all gonna love the next wavey hand game for Kinect.
No doubt, hardcore gamers will balk at the idea of  their beloved G4 dying a slow death of drowning in endless reality show repeats, only to be made over as a channel aimed at metrosexuals. Because NBC/Universal think it's still 2006. Esquire TV (or whatever the channel will be called) will have to go some way to prove they're up to the same standards of innovative gaming content, that G4 became famous for.
video games, Yeah!
But don't all flock to Spike TV just yet, young  Americans. Just because Esquire doesn't present itself as a yapping gaggle of frat boys, boasting about their first date rape. Because a brief look at Esquire's gaming content on their website shows they have just has little regard for honest, in depth gaming coverage and display the same amount of passive aggressive, disdain for gamers that G4 had. So don't judge Esquire TV too much, when they produce shows about hair gel and Dog The Bounty Hunter marathons. Because you're bound to get the same millisecond of actual video game content as you did a few months ago.