Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Don Daglow says American gamers are idiots

An apology, it has come to the attention of no-one in particular that OXM staff writer, Matt Lees (as he was so gracious to step down from internet Olympus and introduce himself) took umbrage at this little blog calling him and his co-workers at OXM "knuckle draggers." This was a label, based on the actions and attitudes or certain parties that used to  for OXM's website some time ago (mostly the corn-fed lummox at play-mag) and is not an indication of the content of OXM's website. Which is, "Ooh look A xbox...360! And soon it'll have a different number. And you can control your telly with it! Oh God, did I study myself into massive debt, just to write about when the next Fifa is coming out for the rest of my life?" Things have clearly changed since I had any contact with anyone that works there. And they are clearly not knuckle draggers.

Instead they are a shower of knee-jerk, thin-skinned, limp-wristed, over-paid, under-achieving, secrectly-loathing, hair-product stealing (yes we all know), cocaine-snorting, boothbabe molesting, Bill Gates waniking, hipster toss collecting, unholy cunts. One and long as we got all that clearled up then.

Industry veteran and Stormfront Studio founder, Don Daglow- at a European games conferance- detailed the key differences between European and American gamers. In that he kinda said American gamers are all fucking morons.  In a five-point plan, that's both funny and sad, Daglow stated that to appeal to American online gamers, your game needs to...

Hand-hold the player but only in a visual way. Because Johnny Spunkbubble from Illiteracy, Ohio doesn't want to waste his time reading so reward him for rising to the Herculean task of working out what "Press A button" means.

Grab their attention straight away. Granted, this is a no-brainer. But one has to worry when Daglow cites George Lucas as an example to follow. Is this why so many US gamers online are so racist?

Users crave to be individuals. So anything little thing in a game that can be modified or changed should be day-1 DLC.

Treat the player as a celebrity. So constantly follow their every move while condoning their disgusting behaviour at the same time. And incovieniece them any time you see fit, all in the name of support.

And finally, know that Americans have no reguard for history. Even though (according to Daglow) Americans aren't failing at school.Because Americans are taught history differently. Or maybe not at all? So keep historical references to a bare minimum, because they'll only recognise the dude who lead the spartans and the final boss from World War 2.  And it'll probably held to garnish your histroical setting with lots of blood and boobies. Then you'll get that Spike TV games award in no time. Everyone else can take their originality elsewhere