Thursday, 30 August 2012

Reason #17 why e-sports will never make it mainstream

 
 
And it's not just because pro-gamers (because it's not a fucking sport, ok) are either have the personality of a house brick or are homicide inducing, obnoxious twats. Because the whole concept of professional gaming has been dragged through the syphilitic mud as two gaming teams, Curse NA and Team Dignitas (no, I don't know if they're sponsored by the assisted suicide clinic) had their victories and prize money stripped from by pro-gaming organiser, Major League Gaming, for both colluding to manipulate the brackets and share the prize money on popular douche bag magnet, League Of Legends. Which- to the uninitiated- is kinda along the lines of Warcraft meets Counter Strike Source. 
Essentially what both teams did was play one of the championship series games, "all random, all mid" (ARAM) meaning, instead of all players on each team picking their best champion to fight their way up along the field of play. Both teams picked their champion at random and only played in the middle section. It's what many LOL players do to play socially. Just for the hell of it. And certainly not when there's thousands of dollars at stake. Try to imagine, in the middle of a world championship boxing match, both fighters- just for the larks-  would decide to  fight with one arm behind their back and not hit so hard with their free one. Because it doesn't matter who wins, they're sharing the prize purse. Technically they're doing nothing wrong. There's no rules about doing something like that. But it spits in the face of everyone who works their arse off to reach the pro ranks and to those that paid money to see you perform on the main stage. That's what the borderline autistics at Curse and Dignitas did. Which lead Curse NA to apologise, via youtube, like a bunch of naughty schoolboys who had been caught playing soggy biscuit 'round the back of the school gymnasium.


General skulduggery and twattishness is nothing new in pro-gaming, just ask ladies man, Justin Wong (seriously girls, when he buys you a little teddy bear, run!). Some pro-gamers think being a pro means they get to arse play whatever game they like for money, while still acting like the complete cunt-basket they normally are while online. Wrong! People aren't paying money for you to extend your teenage years and hit on Asian girls. People are paying to see you play at the peak of your skills against other players/teams or equal ability. They want to see the best go at it, not dick around because you're sharing the prize money anyway, so it's no  problem. Being a professional means you give 100%, not matter what, and you're paid for it you mithering  shit stains. You're supposed to be the best in the world and you treat it like a glorified coffee break!
When this story broke, I was reminded of the time the boss of a pro-gaming team said what would make pro-gaming really hit the big time is if people were allowed to bet on the results of competitions. Great idea, as if   the whole pro-gaming scene didn't have enough corrupting influences already, what with long time players being buddies of tournament organisers or being part of the organisation itself, it looks like it's gonna be a long time until the word "professional" means anything in gaming tournaments.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

This years Eurogamer Expo is gonna be hillarious

 
 
Iconic, disappointment merchant, Peter Molyneux will be attending this years Eurogamer Expo to deliver a developer session about his upcoming 22 cans project. Whether he'll confirm that the name 22 cans came from how wasted he got to come up with his ideas in unknown. But one things for certain. It's gonna be worth slowly choking on the body odour of the patrons (seriously guys, it's a packed games convention, bring some fucking deodorant) just hear what new gem of pure idiocy Molyneux will come up with this time. Like when he considered the idea of charging actual money for weapons in Fable. Saying  crap ipad knock off with a analogue stick was too difficult to use or develop for and of course, the £50,000 DLC.

Fuck knows what mental concept he'll come up with after "Curiosity: what's inside the cube" and the just announced "Cooperation" (in which everyone on the internet laughs at Molyneux's gradual mental breakdown) and the other 20 projects he's working on.
I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and guess that he's resurrecting ditched Kinect, paedophile simulator Milo but replace the creepy little boy with a stern, polygon Joseph Stalin, who randomly mutters insulting remarks about you, while playing any other game. He'll hint that if you give him money, he'll stop. If you give him more money, he'll say nice things and congratulate you on completing any games you're playing. Sign over your entire life savings to him and he'll show you the most amazing thing in the world. But it turns out to be a shit rip off of Castle Crashers.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Gamers desperately need nutrients!



Crappy, poor conceived products aimed at gamers is nothing new. Especially in America, where they still have this 1990's "do everything extreme!" style of marketing. And the hilariously pointless "G Fuel" from Gamma Labs, for some reason, are trying to market energy drinks to gamers. Great idea, because if there's one thing people who's hobby involve sitting down for hours on end need, it's a fucking protein shake.

That's not to say it's no good (thank you legal) for giving you a boost of energy and helping with muscle repair (like all protein shakes do) but most gamers- and the pro-gamers they sponsor- aren't lifting anything heavier than a PC tower. And no matter how you style it, pro-gaming is and never will be considered anything like a real sport. Sorry if that comes as a shock to you, but outside of a games fanbase, no one is interested in a bunch of emotionally stunted, adult teenagers, who's personality ranges from offensively obnoxious to dull as ditch water. No matter how many "personalities" you sponsor, like the hilariously named Tucker "Jericho" Boner...seriously, with a name like that, why do you even have  nick name? Your name is the funniest thing about you.

So to any gamer who thinks drinking this alone will make them healthy. It wont. You'll just be slightly more twitchy and wont feel as hungry for a  while. But it's not surprising Gamma Labs came up with such a fucking ridiculous idea when you look at their comic con video (sped up crowd footage is always the go-to intro for shit convention videos), they clearly don't realise gamers do fine fuelling their gaming sessions with red bull, pringles and aggressive homophobia

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Don Daglow says American gamers are idiots



An apology, it has come to the attention of no-one in particular that OXM staff writer, Matt Lees (as he was so gracious to step down from internet Olympus and introduce himself) took umbrage at this little blog calling him and his co-workers at OXM "knuckle draggers." This was a label, based on the actions and attitudes or certain parties that used to  for OXM's website some time ago (mostly the corn-fed lummox at play-mag) and is not an indication of the content of OXM's website. Which is, "Ooh look A xbox...360! And soon it'll have a different number. And you can control your telly with it! Oh God, did I study myself into massive debt, just to write about when the next Fifa is coming out for the rest of my life?" Things have clearly changed since I had any contact with anyone that works there. And they are clearly not knuckle draggers.

Instead they are a shower of knee-jerk, thin-skinned, limp-wristed, over-paid, under-achieving, secrectly-loathing, hair-product stealing (yes we all know), cocaine-snorting, boothbabe molesting, Bill Gates waniking, hipster toss collecting, unholy cunts. One and all...so long as we got all that clearled up then.

Industry veteran and Stormfront Studio founder, Don Daglow- at a European games conferance- detailed the key differences between European and American gamers. In that he kinda said American gamers are all fucking morons.  In a five-point plan, that's both funny and sad, Daglow stated that to appeal to American online gamers, your game needs to...

Hand-hold the player but only in a visual way. Because Johnny Spunkbubble from Illiteracy, Ohio doesn't want to waste his time reading so reward him for rising to the Herculean task of working out what "Press A button" means.

Grab their attention straight away. Granted, this is a no-brainer. But one has to worry when Daglow cites George Lucas as an example to follow. Is this why so many US gamers online are so racist?

Users crave to be individuals. So anything little thing in a game that can be modified or changed should be day-1 DLC.

Treat the player as a celebrity. So constantly follow their every move while condoning their disgusting behaviour at the same time. And incovieniece them any time you see fit, all in the name of support.

And finally, know that Americans have no reguard for history. Even though (according to Daglow) Americans aren't failing at school.Because Americans are taught history differently. Or maybe not at all? So keep historical references to a bare minimum, because they'll only recognise the dude who lead the spartans and the final boss from World War 2.  And it'll probably held to garnish your histroical setting with lots of blood and boobies. Then you'll get that Spike TV games award in no time. Everyone else can take their originality elsewhere

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Hideo Kojima set to bore West London rigid



If you've already signed up to this years Eurogamer Expo (Sep 27-30 at Earls Court) and you're a Metal Gear Solid fan, then you're in for a treat. As it was just announced that MGS producer, Hideo Kojima, will be attending this years Eurogamer Expo to present a retrospective on the MGS series as well as the upcoming Metal Gear Rising: Revengence-which he had nothing really to do with.
But hopefully a playable  version will be available at the show, as a way of compensation of having listen to Kojima drone on about how incomprehensible story lines and interminable dialogue make a great game. And if you're lucky, he'll go into a 20 minute speech about nuclear disarmament.

But go along anyway, if only to see if Platinum games can pull off the impossible and make Raiden a remotely tolerable character.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

GamesIndustry International doesn't give due credit


Trade website: gamesindustry.biz  (which is just eurogamer, except there's no videos and constant screengrabs to pad out reviews) recently ran an article citing -Dungeons & Dragons creator-  Gary Gygax as the father of games design, on account of how so much of the fundamentals of gameplay mechanics are still used today in video games. Hence why the articles writer, Thomas Rawlings, states studying D&D is the best way to learn the basics of game design.
And there's nothing wrong with that sentiment. D&D has been going since the 70's and Gygax was the man that made D&D become the first, published, table top role playing game. However, there's someone Thomas Rawlings should have paid more attention do. Let me introduce you to Dave Arneson

I chop trees, in between defining genres


You see, while at a gaming convention, way back in 1969, Gygax met Arneson while he was working on  a medieval, tabletop game called  Chainmail. Well, Arneson worked with Gygax in adapting Chainmail into Dungeons & Dragons.
I know what you're thinking: "What has this got to do with video games (apart from all the Orcs and Elves we constantly see in RPGs) and if Thomas Rawlings only gave Arneson a passing mention, then he couldn't of been that important."
But if you read far better writing than I instead of  Gamesindustry.biz (which has the same percentage of ignorant prats posting as Eurogamer's readership does) then you would know Arneson created such features as:
Dungeon exploration
The concept of the dungeon master as a neutral judge of the game
Speaking to made up characters (or NPCs as we call them now) to progress the storyline
Hit AND experience points
The whole idea of role-playing a character, you create

In essence, everything you know and love about RPGs today, Arneson is the real godfather of. But he got overlooked by anyone who can't do more than a rudimentary wiki-search, because Arneson left to do his own thing after D&D was released and is only now credited as the co-creator of said game, because he filed a law suit when D&D publishers: TSR released "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons" which was a slightly updated version of the original, but TSR said they didn't owe Arneson any royalties because it was a new game. Which is wasn't. And thus, he was never that closely associated with the D&D brand since.
 Hmm, a game publisher trying to pull a fast one on the creative that made them loads of money. Looks like Arneson invented more than just the RPG.