Wednesday, 25 July 2012

So, how's Project Possum going?



If you recall a short while ago, the media studies douchebags from the former "Inside Xbox" series went down the crowd funding route for their unmade TV pilot: project possum.
Well it seems xbox owners really are as stupid as Microsoft think they all are, as their production company: Explosive Alan productions (I guess "we need more hair product and ecstasy" was already taken) reached their $10,000 target so they get to work on their -no doubt fuck awful- telly pilot so every commissioning editor in the land can all have a great laugh and give them the speech about how gaming doesn't work on TV.

However, to make use of the lovely HD cameras you, the British gamer paid for, they've been making video content for their youtube channel.  Well, I say video content. It's really just Dan Maher and the other Inside Xbox cronies sat in his living room, sipping on a can of wife beater in his fucking socks. All in glorious HD mind. So your money has thus far, gone towards making a half arsed, video podcast called: Homework, in which they rely on the oldest chestnut in the hack games journo forest: user content!

It's great, you ask the audience for suggestions and thoughts on whatever game/genre you mention, they reply and they get a buzz out of their name being mentioned, while you get to pad out your video in between  inane, hipster mewlings of how Big Trouble in Little China and They Live are crap, but Dead Snow is brilliant...Really? Fuck you a thousand times for your short sighted, worthless opinions. What God of culture and taste bestowed you, Dan Maher, the right to ponce money out of naive saps, so you can record you and your journo mates knocking back alcohol (seriously, is that product placement?) while you regale us with such cutting insights as "Oh, look at this film from 1987  looks rather out of time with today's productions doesn't it? LOOK Roddy Piper has a fucking mullet! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Even though I look so eighties myself, I'm one pair of balloon pants away from looking like Phil Oakie"

Plus there's a preview of Sleeping Dogs- under the dubiously named playlist: "client work" so they're still keeping their foot in the glorified advert sector. Which is just as well, because by the look of their not very impressive viewing figures (you try and convince a commissioning editor you have a ready made audience with a audience with only 6,000 -dropping down to a little over 2,000 youtube views per video) the donated cash will only buy you so much hair gel. Just stick to what you're good at Dan. Sucking off publishers in the name of entertainment and scoring free booze with the knuckle draggers at OXM.com, at press events

Monday, 16 July 2012

New dating site wants gamers to breed.



Hey are you a red blooded, male gamer who has yet to find love? What's that? You're more interested in just the sex? Well if you've been gaming long enough for it to handicap your social skills, but not long enough to have bred a pathological hatred of women? Then new dating site: Shag A Gamer wants to steal your money  help you get your nuts in with the lovely lady of your choice for simple, no strings sex. Or any lonely girl gamer (because apparently they exist too) looking to get her g-spot levelled up by some dashing, young Street Fighter: 3rd strike expert.
Alright darling...FUCK YOU!

However, if you're still scratching your head over why would a shared hobby have anything to do with who you have a one night stand with, then well done on not being stupid enough to pay £19.95  a month  only to find out Shag A Gamer  is from the same people behind Date A Gamer. The website that boasted 150,000 members, but it turned out they were from other dating sites would had their details added, without their knowledge. and no doubt the same is the case for Shag A Gamer.
So you'll be looking online at prospective sexual partners -that wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole- without them knowing. Which is probably what most gamers are doing anyway, except you're twenty quid worse off.

Frankly, if gaming is the main priority in a soul mate or quick shag, then you're gonna be left for wanting. I'm not saying stop playing games but (sorry to tell you this) you don't find potential life partners or get anyone remotely sexually aroused by the impressive state of your Minecraft tribute to The Evil Dead trilogy. You're actually gonna have to go out and engage with other human beings. Or just stick to verbally abusing Anita Sarkeesian, pulling yourself off ragged to My Little Pony porn and generally being easily manipulated by media outlets that think you're nothing more than a social retard with no mind of their own. Because you're not gonna find some girl, that's involved in video games on some dating website. Are you?