Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Sega are xenophobic

Seen Anarchy Reigns, the multiplayer beat 'em up made by Platinum games? It's like lost Dreamcast gem: Powerstone, but with online modes and Bayonetta is in it. It comes out in Japan  July 5. And to the surprise of many - including the developers- it wont be released in the west until next year.
Why are Platinum Games  confused by Sega delaying the Western release? Because it was already localised and ready to ship internationally for it's original release in May. But Sega, in their infinite wisdom, feel it would be far better to let the Japanese have a near 6 month headstart on the rest of the world and save it's Western release to coincide with the new Tomb Raider and Bioshock Infinite, instead of right now when there's always a drought of new games to play. Great thinking guys, wouldn't want it to clash with Mario and Sonic at the London Olympics. Or maybe they just hate all us round-eyed Westerners and secretly get a sexual kick from depraving us of the few good games, they publish?

UPDATE: If you really want to play it now. You can buy it, under it's Japanese name: "Max Anarchy" from sites like play-asia or ebay, as it's region free and already has the English language option

Monday, 18 June 2012

IGN are friends of EA

As the old saying goes: you can't spell "ignorant" without IGN. And the Rupert Murdoc's videogaming meat puppets are keeping to their tradition of corporate cock sucking, with a laughable apologist piece asking: why do people "hate" EA? But instead of actually asking people why they hate EA, instead the groveling tossbag: Colin Campbell (if that is his real name) ask EA's chief of operations and professional goblin look-a-like: Peter Moore why EA attracts so much flak.

"It's painful when you read that commentary. The vitriol is hard on the teams. They read this stuff, their neighbors ask them about it. You probably saw the video, EA in a Nutshell. It portrays us as a money-grubbing monolith, gouging. And you just want to say... really...we are The Man? Unfortunately, I've always learned that the tallest trees catch the most wind.”
 Except if EA was a tree, you would have to buy another -almost identical- tree every year. You'd have to pay extra for it to bear any fruit and it will fall on your house and fully expect you to buy it's new sapling, that has broader appeal but is nowhere near as good as he last tree, so they stop selling that kind of tree. And, manure is involved somewhere

If the poisoned souls at IGN honestly can't figure out why people have any sort of grievance with EA and their business practises: like day 1 DLC, buying up developers and either squeezing them for every drop or killing them off altogether (see Bullfrog), retarded PR strategies, bastardising every franchise for the sake of "broader appeal", Origin  and of course, the long con that EA pioneered two generations ago: The yearly update.
To be honest, most expect EA -being the corporate bullshit dispenser that they are- to be backtracking hypocrites.  But they may be bewildered by IGN being such rampant EA apologists. Using such thin excuses that: "EA is a corporation and it exists to make money." Well if it only wants to make money, then cut out the gaming bollocks and move into people smuggling. I hear that makes hundred of millions of dollars every year. And it's a pre-requisite to treat people like utter shit, so the infrastructure is already there more or less.
And that EA,originally was all about making interesting games that would make people cry? Well all they do now is make people complain how crappy EA treat their own fucking customers. And no I don't mean the pointless "retake Mass Effect" champagne. I mean treating every gamer as a walking cash machine that pays out on verbal abuse and kicks in the bollocks. Remember the mental idea of paying for bullets in future games? . I mean, sure, most publishers probably think that way too, but they don't go around saying it like they're almost fucking proud of it!

No doubt, readers will think IGN did this purely to get kickbacks from EA. Not exactly. You see, IGN is a commercial gaming website. If it were to go around inciting nerd rage (or "consumerism" as other forms of media may call it) then suddenly it may find EA taking back it's money for advertising and that their people may not get invited to as many press events as before and review code are suddenly in very short supply. And if a website is trailing behind other sites in delivering news, previews and such, then it loses revenue. So when Campbell wrote EA is a corporations and exists only to make money, he also counts IGN in that statement. Very clever Colin, I see what you did there. Taking down the system from within. Keep fighting comrade!

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Former Inside Xbox team, ponce off their next project

Former Inside Xbox host: Dan Maher is threatening to inflict his punchable face, media studies style of presenting (see Fern Cotton or anyone at IGN) and nauseating sense of self on us all as, instead of moving on from hack game journalism to working in games PR or spending every waking moment moaning about what cunts his former employers are,  Maher is dipping his toe into the yawning chasm of filth, thieves and whores that is gaming TV. By which I mean, he and two other guys from Inside Xbox are putting their hand out for people to donate money to their project possum page on donation site: And to their credit, they've exceeded their initial goal of $10,000 (about £6,000) so they look to make good on their proposal video- giving an idea of the kind of show Explosive Alan (the name of their production company) wants to make.

And you thought it was just me that made jokes about games journalists doing coke? But still, good on them for convincing enough people to chip in to a production that doesn't even have a name yet, no real plan of who's going to watch and no female presenter. Which are three things any commissioning editor (the person that decides what shows a TV channel buys) will make a priority.
As I've said many times already (and countless others will also say) video  games are dirty words in UK television. And as far as TV people are concerned, gaming has only two audiences: children or late night basement dwellers who will wank/ themselves into a frenzy over anything remotely female holding a controller. Sad but true. Also, TV goes in trends. Why are there so many make over shows? Because one channel took a risk with one, it became a big hit, so other channels see that success and want some and  thus make their own make over shows. In the past ten-odd years, there have been many video game shows and two channels. All of which died on their collective arses. So TV's attitude to video games is: is gaming doesn't work on television. But as Maher mentions, in his intro video, Explosive Alan will also look to online as a means of hosting their -as yet un-named- show.  Thing is, the internet already has more than enough gaming shows. It was one thing when your shows were on the Xbox LIVE dashboard (before Microsoft buried it, along with the arcade and indie game section) and the fact that you exceeded your target is a positive sign. But that youtube video has only 12,000 views. That's not a great amount for a (supposedly) professional outfit. Especially when you'll be relying on every individual to tune in show after show. Granted it's tonnes more than Ginx, but they have deals with countries that don't speak English. Explosive Alan doesn't, plus add the fact that this show has no discernible identity, other than trendy haircuts. And one other thing, no female equals much less views. Sad as it is to say, it's true. Look at how many views the IGN videos get. Or even EA's infomercial: "Pwned". The comments are all about sexual assault and what drug Julia Hardy is on, but it's the views that matter.

And if you're someone who has donated,don't worry. I'm not going to have a go at you. You think Inside Xbox was good, you've got enough problems already. But you should know, even though Project Possum has reached it's target, that's no guarantee anything other than a pilot will get made. And even if the show does get picked up, don't assume it will resemble the look and feel of that intro video. As Maher will no doubt admit, the people with the money call the shots. A channel or website could very well pick the show up but then say: "casual and mobile gaming is the thing now, so it'll be all about those kind of games. And we'll need some dollybird to present it for the much needed 15-25 year old male demographic. Just find some cosplayer or something. I'm sure CVG know loads"
Many a brave attempt at making  a video game TV show has gone to shit, whether it be channel interference, lack of budget, lack of vision, poor presentation or the producer using a E3 trip to score rentboys (I'll tell you that story one day), whether project possum ends up the same way?  I would suggest you lower your expectations and then some

Friday, 8 June 2012

CVG don't know any girls

And if they did know any, they'd only want the ones with big tits reading their website it seems. And it seems the only thing worth reporting on from this years E3 is voting on which booth babe was hottest. Great Idea lads, who gives a monkey's toss about the whether Nintendo can reclaim confidence from the "core" gaming audience and whether Sony and Microsoft were right not to premier new hardware and what system is Watchdogs running on (clue: a big fucking PC), nah, fuck that noise. Lets wank our rancid man-meat over some model paid to dress up as Power Girl. And rate those girls on whether we would (in a alternate universe, where being a balding games journo, made you attractive to women) have sex with them or not.

You can read more about CVG's rather pathetic attempts at at cheap -lowest common denominator- filler in Rachel Weber's piece on GamesIndustry International. I used a picture of Tim Ingham for the title image. And to be fair, he's not the man to blame this piece of shoddy journalism. Although he is responsible for the pointless "W.R.O.N.G." campaign (god, Alan Titchmarsh really fucked you up didn't he Tim?). No,  CVG site editor: John Houlihan is the man to blame for this open declaration of hand-sex over content. Not surprising really, if you've ever read his book about stalking women then you realise he's a middle aged teenager, who revels in talking about women as if they're some kind of sub-species that were created for men to shoot their turgid, grey, jizz into/onto.

Apologists (which is like whiteknighting, but for supposed jobs instead of sexual favours) will say all Houlihan did was his job: to attract traffic to the site. Shame he couldn't do that with relevant game content and interesting and informative articles and reviews, eh? If it's purely about grabbing the attention of horny teenage boys, then go the whole hog and rename CVG as "Clits, Vaginas, and Gashes" and make it all chesty women dressed as Bayonetta. Because being relevant to gamers' tastes and needs certainly isn't your strong point

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Peter Molyneux's latest idea: £50,000 DLC

As if Peter Molyneux's harebrained idea to improve games journalism wasn't hilariously stupid enough, Molynuex has topped himself with his latest game idea: Curiosity.
According to the description, Curiosity sets the player inside a virtual room that contains a solitary black cube. Players, equipped with a chisel has to tap away at the block, to discover what's at the centre of the cube. Players will be able to see fractures, caused by other players, but the main thing about Curiosity is you can buy better chisels as DLC. Ranging from the iron chisel -costing 59p- which is ten times the strength of your default chisel to the ultimate, diamond chisel, which costs £50,000. Yes, you read that right: the price of a small flat for a virtual chisel, to quickly see what's inside a virtual black box. According to Molynuex:
“record and study how news of what's inside spreads across social media in an attempt to explore the psychology of social media users. We will rely entirely on social media. How will [the person who claims the prize] prove it? That in itself becomes a fascinating aspect of this experiment."

Apart from sounding like a rip off of a episode of The Twilight Zone, I don't know what's more worrying: The fact that someone thinks you can release DLC that costs £50,000. Or that someone might actually buy it. And knowing Molynuex's track record with hyping things up, which ultimately disappoint, I imagine the social media -concerning Curiosity- will be how stupid an idea this is who would be stupid enough to pay that much money for something they don't actually own. For fifty grand, I would want a personal apology for Fable 2 and a blowjob.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Peter Molyneux is a wonderful games journalist

Did you ever meet one of those compulsive liars, that somehow get away with it because they follow up their previous lie with another, slightly bigger, lie? Well Peter Molynuex is a compulsive bullshitter. Yes, bullshit is the correct word here, as we expect PR people and Publishers to hype a game up to the nth degree, but as a game producer, Molyneux should of by now grasped the the idea that saying every game you make is amazing -then turns out only to do half of what you promised or is just a rip off of Castle Crashers - kinda sets you as someone who's statements have to be taken with a ,Gabe Newell-sized, pinch of salt. As it turns out, Molyneux's talent for talking crap, has convinced  Spike TV to hire him as their E3 reporter.

Though, supposedly, said in jest. Molyneux's experience, reporting on E3 has given him a  new approach to showing demos to journalists, in the future:

"I would give a 30-second demo to the journalist and give 19 and a half minutes to write it up," he said. "I'd get ten times the amount of space and it would probably be far more impactful. What's really interesting is I don't think the press has the time to take in these 15-20 minutes demos on-stage... by the time they're already halfway through that demo they're already thinking about or writing the next bit."
So that's your big idea to previewing your future titles is it Peter? Give us a half a minute of gameplay, then impose 19 minutes to write about it. As if reporting at E3 (thank fuck I'm not doing it) wasn't stressful enough: attending every conference, then quickly writing up on the key points right after then interviewing developers and trying to get your hands on all the playable games and reporting on those instantly and making sure you saw every trailer, because your editor wants it all instantly, because the readers want it instantly. Great, fucking, idea Peter! The fact that Spike TV and E3 is funded by organisations that supported the SOPA and PIPA bills is just icing on the cake -of disappointment- that Molyneux seems intent on serving us every time. Stick to the day job Peter, there's already enough bullshit merchants in games journalism as it is