Saturday, 26 May 2012

What does Jo Whiley have to do with video games?



The answer? Nothing, of course. which is why the below average radio DJ: Jo Whiley (who is like Lauren Laverne for middle age people) is a perfect choice to be on the jury for the, not remotely coveted, GameCity prize!  No, I've never heard of it either. That's mainly because it's a, essentially, worthless award, dished out by panel not even related to video games on behalf of one of those wanky "lets endlessly discuss why games should be considered as art" endeavours, that Edge magazine does during a slow news month. Except it's based at Nottingham Trent University, so there's no money for winning it either.

As if the whole, insecure, pleading of "games as art" wasn't irritating enough, it's being done by people who have little to no connection to video games whatsoever. If this was a prize decided by the people that work, exclusively on the creative side of game production (writers, producers, animators, designers etc) because that part of making a video game is the actual art. The essential, creative process where every video game begins. That's the art. Not boring everyone silly, at a presentation at the BFI because you think you're somehow progressive or superior because you loved Journey.

You know what the real "art" of a video game is? It's the gameplay. The unquantifiable, x-factor, that all great games have and no other form of entertainment does. For example, you know game I'm really looking forward to buying at launch?  Lollipop Chainsaw. A game that the GameCity jury would probably avoid like the plague. Because what's artistic about playing as a teenage cheerleader who uses a massive chainsaw to hack zombies to pieces, while the decapitated head of her boyfriend hangs off her belt? Maybe it's not classed as highbrow entertainment like Journey or Minecraft )both good games), but that's not important, because Lollipop Chainsaw is fun. That is what is most important in a game. Not a contrived prize that allows media windbags to drone on about nothing that really effects gamers while choking down free wine and nibbles. Or as most people would call it: working for IGN

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

entitled games journos bemoan the end of Inside Xbox


If you own a Xbox 360 and can be bothered traipsing through the myriad of adverts that now pollute the xbox live dashboard, you would be aware that Microsoft has been pulling the plug on their "Inside Xbox" video content. In which something resembling a human being tells you about the latest content for your console. Well, it was announced today that the UK's production of Inside Xbox, presented by Dan "Mr Pointy Head" Maher and the other bloke, will be no more. So the usual mix of glorified adverts, self indulgent humour (because it was their producer that inflicted Robert Florence (a second time on a audience) while sporting that cutting edge in media graduate haircuts and tiny scarves. This was confirmed on Maher's Twitter.
"So, to be clear and succinct: Inside Xbox is no more, as are our jobs"

More so than any gamer, there's nothing more hilarious than an entitled games journalist. Seriously, you honestly feel Microsoft owes you a living? It's media -video game media at that- so there's no such thing as a permanent job. That's how it works. You had  a good run, went to loads of countries (admittedly, only to interview game producers) got free games, ate free canopies, drank free booze, shared coke with games correspondent from the daily star. And now it's over, because it's cheaper to have endless IGN videos. What bullshit. Are we supposed to feel sorry they lost their jobs? So where was their special repor,t on the mass redundancies at several big publishers recently? The people that actually make the game we play? Nah, fuck 'em. But oh no, two Camden fuck-abouts that tell us when Sine Mora is out and how to change our gamertag are on the skids?  FUCK YOU GOD! This has ruined the xbox forever and no doubt, the UK game journos, who spoke out on support of the Inside Xbox team will boycott working with Microsoft after this travesty...right?

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Ginx TV inflicts another show on us all


Beware, young viewer of the internet. For the insidiously awful,UK TV production company: Ginx, who seem intent on proving why video games TV shows don't work  and nobody wants to watch them, unless of course the the channels are in non English speaking countries, so the audience can't make out what the soulless, carbon blobs are saying. Which is usually just the description on the back of the game box or, in Julia Hardy's case, whatever EA tells them to say.

Add to that, jobbing actor: Adam Savage's attempt at humour with the imaginatively titled: "The Retro Show"   ...Please, don't be fooled by the, actually quite smart, old school, home computer style presentation, because that's where any entertainment value ends.
Essentially, all the Retro Show is a glorified "lets play" video (in this case, Bonanza Bros on the Mega Drive) except young Adam and some other nonentity crash and burn at any attempt at humour or gaming content.
Ok, you know when you a non-gamer friend of yours tries to have a go at playing one of your games? How they struggle with the controls and ask you endless questions like: which guy am I? Where do I go now? How do I jump? Well imagine that, but said by a comically bankrupt media graduate who one day hops to make a quiz show about sex crimes on E4. Wince as young Adam purposely fucks up at playing (I assume) and shows the height of his comedic talents by constantly calling the game "Banaza Brozz". Unless young Adam has a speech impediment, in which case, you shouldn't be on camera in the first fucking place, you corporate fuck-puppet. In a world where the sequel to Bayonetta gets canned and Ginx continues to exist, it's no fucking wonder gaming media is in the state it's in. Mouth breathers like that, probably think journalism is something you catch from eating half-cooked fish